Neither Trump Nor Putin Wants to Be The First to Say “I Love You, Goodbye” and Hang Up

WASHINGTON D.C., and MOSCOW, RUSSIA — While on a phone call together that stretched long into the wee-hours of the morning, Russian President Vladimir Putin and alleged American President Donald Trump had a moment of cute disagreement.

“You hang up,” Trump said into  the phone.

“Nyet, you hang up, my Sweet Orange Shit Clown,” Putin said, referring to Mr. Trump with a familiar term of endearment he coined a few years back during one of Trump’s visits to Russia, “it’s your turn this time.”

Sources close to Trump say he was blushing and stammered a bit over his words. The two briefly discussed the firing of James Comey as FBI Director. Putin told Trump he’d done a “great job” and that Mr. Trump “will get a special, whore piss-tacular reward” the next time he visits Moscow.

“I know, but it just sounds so grand and authoritative when you say it, Vlad,” Trump said, “I could never sound as presidential as you do. Just…just say it Moy Papochka!”

Putin asked if Trump had gotten the “special devices” installed in the White House yet. Trump confirmed he had, and that he’d tweeted about it earlier in the day when trolling Comey on Twitter. Mr. Putin still didn’t want to say goodbye, though he’d later tell his closest advisers he was “honored and flattered by the Orange Shit Clown’s platitudes.” The Russian president told. Mr. Trump that he “just couldn’t bring” himself to hang up first. Putin giggled as he reiterated that Trump should hang-up.

“Okay, let’s do it together, Vlad,” Trump suggested, “does that sound good?”

Putin agreed.

“Okay, here we go, ready,” Trump said, “1…2…3…”

Neither man hung-up the phone. Both men laughed and laughed and laughed.

“You didn’t hang up,” Trump said.

“You didn’t either, my little babushka,” Putin replied back, “and I really, truly must insist. You hang up first.”

Trump laughed again. He said he felt like a young teenager in love again. He just did not want to hang up the phone, Trump told Vladimir Putin.

“You must hang up now, Donald,” Putin said.

“No, you hang up,” Trump tried again.

“NO. Seriously. You hang up first, Donald,” Putin shot back.

“I can’t, I just can’t hang up until we’ve said I love you to one another,” Trump said.

Putin sighed. For the next five to eight minutes the two men gently nudged each other into saying “I love you first.” Finally, Trump acquiesced.

“Okay, Vlad,” Trump said sheepishly, “Iloveyou. Wait. Let me try it again. I…love you.”

It was time for Vladimir to go.

“Donald, I have to go now, please hang up,” the Russian president said.

“No, you hang – ” Donald tried.

“Hang up, Donald. That is an order. Teper’,” Putin demanded.

“Yes sir, whatever you say sir,” Trump replied, “just please don’t show anyone the Leaky-Leaky tapes. I love you.”

The two hung up and agreed to sext each other all day.

Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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