MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Over the weekend, President Donald Trump announced that — for the very first time in the 243 years since its founding, the United States would celebrate the 4th of July in a big way.
Most readers, of course, understand that for the other 242 years of its existence, most Americans have spent the day that the Declaration of Independence was signed not doing much at all. Some would hold quiet, solemn gatherings honoring the sacrifices of all the Americans who died securing liberty from the British Empire. Most others, however, never celebrated the day in any way, and it would have probably never occurred to them to have a celebration, until the most stable of geniuses announced that they could, in fact, celebrate Independence Day in a big way, as long as their Dear President first gave them permission to, as liberty and freedom are meant to work.
In a tweet, Trump told Americans to “HOLD THE DATE!” This was probably another stroke of genius because of how infrequently Americans paid any attention to the 4th of July in the first place.
HOLD THE DATE! We will be having one of the biggest gatherings in the history of Washington, D.C., on July 4th. It will be called “A Salute To America” and will be held at the Lincoln Memorial. Major fireworks display, entertainment and an address by your favorite President, me!
From all outward appearances, it looked at first as if Trump was set to finally get the military parade he’s reportedly wanted and requested from the Pentagon since the earliest days of his presidency. However, this morning at one of his own press conferences, Trump’s employer told the media that Mr. Trump may not even get an invitation to the 4th of July celebration.
“As of this moment, it’s 50/50 whether we’re sending an invitation to the White House,” Russian President Vladimir Putin told various media outlets. “He’s been, generally, a good little boy. He’s doing what we ask of him, so no complaints there. But, no, we’re not 100% sure he should be at this Lincoln Memorial thingy.”
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Putin cited the fact that “unless Donald is paying them no one wants to be around him” as one of the primary factors he’s considering in whether to invite Trump.
“I mean, his kids seem to tolerate him, but considering they stand to inherit whatever money is left of the shell game he’s been playing for decades, pretending to be hella richer than he is, they’re pretty much getting paid by him too,” Putin suggested. “So, really, inviting Donald Trump to your party is always a crap shoot. Or, well, in his case, a pee-pee shoot. I mean, that’s if certain tapes I have in my possession are to be trusted, of course.”
President Putin is worried that Trump is “such a party pooper” and “ruins everything he touches,” that he won’t be able to relax and have a good time.
“Would you invite a giant, gaseous bag of farts, diarrhea, racism, and shame to your party,” Putin asked rhetorically. “I didn’t think so. It’s bad enough I got this scmingy elected; I don’t have to spend every waking moment of his presidency with him, guiding him, showing him the authoritarian ropes, do I? Sheesh.”
This is a developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.