WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a press conference in the White House rose garden, with Steve Bannon at his side, Donald J. Trump announced that he has been given the “official thumbs-up” from Russian President Vladimir Putin to share his job title with Bannon.
“Today on the phone,” Trump said, beaming ear to ear with a smile, “Russian President Vladimir Putin gave Steve and I the official thumbs-up to share the title of president. From this point forward, Steve and I should be referred to as Co-Presidents. We’ll take care of the Constitutional work later, okay? In business, as in politics, sometimes you just have to operate completely on your own, know what I mean?”
Mr. Trump said that when he asked Putin if he can call Bannon his co-president officially, the Russian president didn’t mind at all. Trump said he was surprised at first by how willing Putin was to “alter the arrangement,” but once Putin explained himself it made a lot more sense to Trump.
“Frankly,” Co-President Trump told the press Putin told him, “the way things are going, we don’t think either of you will last to the end of the year, so sure Donny, knock yourself out.”
Trump told reporters he’d been “angling to have Putin go for this” since about fifteen minutes after being sworn-in as the 45th President of the United States.
“So there I was,” Trump told the media, “I had just been made president. And someone asked me a question about Africa or something — some subject I’m not rehearsed on, and I was like, thinking to myself, ‘This shit is gonna be way, way harder than Steve made it sound.'”
Mr. Trump reported that he tried to have former National Security Adviser Mike Flynn ask Putin for him, but then “all that lamestream media freakout over Mike’s treason” took hold. Trump said he lost that avenue of communication and that made him “sad.”
“It’s just frustrating losing one of your top guys to a little light treason,” Trump said.
Co-President Trump said he immediately started lobbying everyone around him to make Bannon his co-president. But, he says, “they kept talking about how it’s not in the Constitution, or whatever.” This angered and upset Trump.
“Hey, I figured,” Trump said, “It’s also not in the Constitution that you implore Russia to help you hack the election and then pretend you didn’t do exactly that after the fact, when the wolves are at your doorstep, and I still did that, so maybe the Constitution is bullshit anyway.”
Reporters reminded Trump he took an oath to uphold and defend the Constitution.
“No, I didn’t,” Trump shot back defiantly.
One reporter from CNN walked up to Trump, with permission from the Secret Service, and showed him video of Trump taking the oath of office and literally swearing to uphold and defend the Constitution.
“That’s not me,” Trump said, “and you’re from CNN. FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS!”
For the next six questions, all Trump responded with was a wag of his finger and a shout of, “FAKE NEWS!” Eventually, reporters got the hint and scattered. Trump stood there, looking at Bannon, smiling again.
“It’s good to be da king,” Trump said into the camera directly in front of him.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.