Putin Orders Trump To Scrub White House Microwaves Of All Records Of Michael Flynn

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Russian President Vladimir Putin has reportedly called Russia’s President Donald Trump and commanded him to wipe the White House microwave network of all information and data relating to former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn, according to sources within the White House. Mr. Flynn was arrested yesterday in connection to charges filed by FBI Special Counselor Robert Mueller, who is leading investigations into possible Russian meddling in last year’s election, as well as any obstruction of justice on the part of the Trump administration in their firing of former FBI Director James Comey.

Today, Trump tweeted about Flynn’s arrest for the first time.

However, sources within the Kremlin and the Washington Kremlin confirm that Mr. Putin would prefer that Trump not speak about Flynn at all. Putin reportedly wants the microwave network wiped of Flynn’s records so that Trump is no longer tempted to talk to Flynn, and that hopefully will keep Flynn out of Trump’s mind. Putin is banking on Trump’s lack of grasping object impermanence to keep him distracted from the Flynn affair.

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On his way out of the White House this morning, Trump talked to reporters first about Senate Republicans ramming through a tax overhaul bill in the small hours of the morning, and then was asked by reporters about Flynn’s plea. Trump insisted there’s still no evidence of collusion. “No collusion,” the president repeated several times.

“My little orange polar bear,” Putin’s cable reads, “Please immediately wipe the spycrowave network of all data that relates to Comrade Flynn. The wolves are at your doorstep, and you are acting like you don’t know that. This is not what I paid for. Wipe it out, all of it.”

The White House issued a statement this morning about Putin’s demands.

“We are shocked and appalled that President Big Daddy would speak to us in such terms, and we are outraged,” the statement reads. “And now if you’ll excuse us, we have to go do exactly as we’re told so as not to anger the Great One to the point that he releases a certain recording of a certain piss whore party in a certain country that rhymes with Fuh-sha.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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