Trump Nominates Putin to Replace James Mattis

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The threat of an impending shutdown of the U.S. government looming hasn’t stopped the Trump administration from seeking out candidates to replace outgoing Secretary of Defense James Mattis who will leave the administration in February.

Mattis resigned this week in rather conspicuous fashion, telling the president in his resignation letter that he doesn’t feel his values and principles align with Trump’s. The resignation is being viewed as a stinging rebuke of how the president has handled relationships with NATO partners, and other international issues. In fact, many feel the straw that broke the camel’s back with Mattis, as it were, was Trump abruptly deciding to pull U.S. troops from Syria, effectively handing Russian President Vladimir Putin a decisive victory — but a win in Syria might not be the last one he secures this week.

“I figured since he’s already helping me run the country, maybe Vladimir would like to take over at Secretary of Defense,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office this morning. “He can use the same office he’s got now.”

While it’s unclear if the Senate would confirm Mr. Putin as Secretary of Defense, reportedly Trump is unconcerned.

“When have I have worried about what anyone wants besides me,” Trump asked rhetorically. “Besides, we can just have Mitch go triple nuclear and dissolve the entire Senate. Hell, he can just make me the Senate. I AM THE SENATE!”

President Trump believes that Putin is “the only man” for the job.

“He already knows his way around the White House and, I think, frankly, Vladimir is the only man for the job,” Trump explained, “mostly because he told me he’s the only man for the job. Who am I to go against him, anyway? He’s an actual president, guys.”

Reached for comment, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s office said he was too busy fornicating with a piece of coal — his traditional pre-Christmas ritual — to care too much what Trump does at the moment. However, McConnell “generally agrees that presidents should have leeway to work with who they want.”

“So if President Putin really wants to spend that much time in close proximity to Trump, Senator McConnell won’t stop him,” the Majority Leader’s office said in a written statement.

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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