Helsinki Summit: Putin Gives Trump Cost of Living Pay Increase, But No Annual Bonus This Year

HELSINKI, FINLAND — During the annual performance review held between President Donald Trump and his employer, Mr. Trump was told that he will be receiving a wage increase to cover the rising costs of living, but will not be getting his annual bonus this year.

“Obviously the president is pretty upset. He gave up his American presidential salary knowing he’d get a Russian one, but he was really counting on that bonus,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders between bites from a nacho cheese and chocolate dipped strawberry bouquet. “It stings a little hearing your boss tell you that you didn’t earn your performance bonus this past year, but the kind of hard working man that the president is, he has every confidence he’ll be collecting his bonus check from President Putin next year, without a doubt, and he will not stop golfing and tweeting until he does.”

The two men held a joint press conference following Trump’s performance evaluation, but the cost of living raise and bonus were not brought up.

“We were hoping to keep this news under wraps, but you know this administration leaks worse than a woman the president hires to do a show for him while visiting President Putin,” Huckabee informed reporters. “So here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spoons. Except I’m covered in confectioner’s sugar and gravy, of course.”


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Over the course of Trump’s performance review, he went over key moments and decisions during 2017, and he received a letter grade from “A” to “F” for them. Reportedly, for things like “Attacking the American Press as an Enemy of the State” and “Making a Moral Equivalency Between Nazis and Anti-Nazis” Trump received the highest grades possible. However, there were several key staff members that had to resign, and Putin said the loss of General Michael Flynn and George Papadopolous from the Trump administration were “unforgivable mistakes” that ultimately cost Trump his performance bonus.

“Despite the somewhat disappointing performance review, the president is confident he can regain the respect and trust of the actual president,” Huckabee said as she flung Peanut M&M’s into her open mouth between words. “Next year’s performance review should be much better.”

Mr. Putin also apparently told Trump he was “more impressed” with his phone sex skills than in person.

“He uses too much hand and doesn’t cup balls enough,” Putin told Sanders through a translator. “Have him work on that for next time, da? Da.”

When asked, Ms. Huckabee Sanders said that “nothing else” other than the performance review came up.

“Election meddling? Huh? What’s that? NO COLLUSION, remember, LIBTARDS?! JUST KIDDING I LOVE THE PRESS, HA  HA HA, CAN I HAVE A TURKEY LEG NOW PLEASE,” Huckabee said.

President Trump didn’t comment on this story because his master didn’t give him permission.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals



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