Putin Getting Anxious To ‘Take It To The Next Level’ With Trump

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Reports out of the Kremlin are that one half of the hottest new celebrity couple is having “so much fun” in his new relationship that he wants to “take it to the next level.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin has apparently reached out to President-Elect Donald Trump and asked the alleged billionaire if he’d be interested in “making it real” between the two of them.” Putin and Trump have been the epicenter of what is by all accounts from inside sources a torrid and powerful affair since it was revealed just days after the 2016 election that U.S. intelligence officials believe the Russian president had personally helped direct hacking efforts that would reveal information damaging to Hillary Clinton, helping Trump in the process.

“I’m forever grateful to my every day MCM,” Trump said a couple weeks ago at a prayer breakfast, “Vladdy P. I wouldn’t be here without him, so since I know he’s watching everything I do now, let me just say a special thanks to him now. Thanks, Daddy!” Trump then winked into the air.

This week, sources close to Putin say he’s “felt more alive than he has in years” and he is “filled with the hope and warmth that only a newfound love can bring out.” Putin sent Trump an email at a special Russian government email address Mr. Putin had setup for Mr. Trump “as a special gift to mark the beginning of their beautiful relationship,” the aide told reporters via conference call. The email Putin sent asked Trump to consider “getting more serious” and “settling down” with the former KGB agent.

“My darling Trump,” Putin writes, “this last month and a half has been an absolute dream. I wake up every day in sweaty anticipation of January 20th, 2017. I cannot wait, my sweet potato man, for the day when you are officially president and we can officially consummate our relationship. Maybe you’ll pull out of NATO, maybe I’ll bomb a Baltic country and you’ll turn a blind eye. But I’m hoping you might want to take it to the next level with me, even before that day comes.”

Though it’s unclear at this time exactly what Putin meant by taking it to the next level, his staff has some guesses.

“My guess is that Mr. Putin is talking about perhaps strengthening their bonds by giving Trump some money,” one source said, “because it’s not like anyone’s ever going to see Trump’s taxes to know where a mysterious gift from Russia originated, right?”

Still, another Putin aide had an alternate theory.

“I think they’re going to fuck,” the aide said, “and fuck hard. Mr. Putin knows he’s got to bed the biggest, angriest, nastiest head of state so that he can gain everyone else’s respect. Putin needs to dominate Trump right from the start, so I think he’ll power top down on Trump’s lumpy ass like a jackhammer through hot butter. But maybe he’ll just fuck the United States in general. Tough to say. Tough to say.”

President-Elect Trump could not be reached for comment as he was in the middle of a fifteen tweet rant about a random comedian in Nevada making fun of him at an open mic at a Vegas bar.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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