Putin Assures Trump Andrew Jackson Had Nothing to Do With Trail of Tears

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When President Trump took office, one of the first controversial decisions he made was to bring back a portrait of President Andrew Jackson and hang it in the Oval Office. This morning, Mr. Trump received assurances from someone whose opinion he truly values that he made the right decision to bring the Jackson portrait back.

“Folks, I have to tell you, that this Andy Jackson painting really was one of my boldest, wisest calls,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office this morning. “He was such a bigly great president. A lot of people have told me I’m like him, but just with a different group of people who aren’t white. Although, I’ve been told by someone whose opinion I think is very important that President Jackson’s a victim of fake news too!”

According to the president, he received a call from Russian President Vladimir Putin and he was given “incredibly shocking information” that completely validated his decision to put the portrait of Jackson back up in the White House.

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“Vlad told me, and I have every reason to believe everything he says by the way, like millions of rubles — I mean reasons — is what I’m trying to say here,” Trump said. “So he told me that all the people freaking out about Andy Jackson are being shortsighted, and are ill-informed. It turns out, Jackson didn’t have anything to do with genocide of the natives or the Trail of Tears!”

President Trump said that due to his “bigly special relationship” with Putin, he’s come to find out the Russian president “literally never lies.”

“Everything he’s ever told me has turned out to be true,” Trump said. “Like when he said, “Don, don’t worry, you’ll be president, I promise.” He was right! Somehow he knew I’d be able to squeak by with an Electoral College only win! Somehow he knew it! I don’t know how — NO COLLUSION! — but SOMEHOW he knew! So I trust everything he says now.”

Mr. Trump said the Jackson portrait will stay as long as he’s in the Oval Office, thanks to Putin’s assurances.  This is a developing story, and the White House didn’t comment on it.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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