Putin Asks Trump To Oversee Final Construction Of Large Battle Station In First Hundred Days

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Word from Trump Tower is that President-Elect Donald Trump has been asked by Russian President Vladimir Putin to oversee a large construction project personally, and that Mr. Trump has accepted the offer. The project Trump will oversee is a giant battle station that Russia has been constructing for some time, but that has fallen behind schedule. The plan is for Trump to personally look over the final stages of construction, perhaps finding new ways to motivate the construction crews, and for Mr. Putin to come to the station once those final steps are complete.

“Everyone knows building things is my strong suit, okay,” Trump said, “and everyone knows I’m really good at motivating people to give their best. It’s actually really easy. All I do is offer them the best payment ever, and then I never pay them. So I get what I want, and they can fuck off. It’s pretty much the perfect arrangement. For me.”

Though Russia is keeping details about the battle station are being closely guarded, Trump did let a few of them slip as he was holding his press conference this morning.

“Look, this thing is a big secret thing, okay,” Trump said, “and it’s massive. Just massive. Can wipe out an entire planet, they say. Whoops. I wasn’t supposed to say anything about that. My bad, Vlad. I owe you one.” Trump touched his nose and winked into the camera.

Reportedly, the final stages of construction are being completed near a forest somewhere in the Endorian Woods located in upstate New York. Trump said Putin figured it was a “no brainer” to ask him this favor because of how close he lived to the construction site. The president-elect said he’d already made contact with the construction foreman, Roger Jerjerrod, who assured him his men were working as fast as he could, though Trump said that wasn’t good enough for him.

“He tried to tell me he needed more men. When I told him he’d be giving his excuses to Emp — excuse me, President — Putin, he perked right up,” Trump said, “and told me his people would double their efforts. I believe him. He could tell he was dealing with a real winner. And when you’re dealing with a winner, you can’t help but be totally upfront and honest with them.”

While there aren’t any concrete plans for further collaboration between Putin and Trump, the alleged-billionaire and former reality-TV star said “no one should rule anything out” because he “owes Vlad bigly.”

“I’m not saying you’ll see more projects like this one between Vlad and me in the future,” Trump said, sniffling, “but no one should rule anything out. Not while I’m in charge. I owe Vlad bigly. Not for any particular reason, of course, but just you know, in general. Let’s just say, for now, he did me a couple solid favors this year. Or whatever. I don’t know.”

Many Bothan spies died to bring us this story.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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