World Leaders Just Want Putin and Trump to Fuck and Get It Over With

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Last week, several members of the United Nations were stopped and asked on their lunch break to talk about their feelings on the budding relationship between Russian President Vladimir Putin and American President-Elect Donald Trump. Overwhelmingly, the sentiment from the various ambassadors to the U.N. was that, as the Irish ambassador put it, “those two should just get a room and fuck already.”

Kip Stippernin, the Australian Assistant Envoy to the United Nations, told reporters that he was “shocked more people aren’t more dubious” about Trump and Putin’s relationship and that “it’s obvious more than a few people on Trump’s team would blow Vladimir if asked.”

“Trump’s pick for his Secretary of State, the guy who will represent America’s interests abroad for four years,” Stippernin said, “got a medal of freedom from Putin for Chrissakes. When we read that news back home in Australia, we had a thirty second moment of silence and no shrimps on the barbie, because surely no good can come of this. But mostly I just want them to go and fuck and get it over with so the rest of the world can get on with our lives.”

Shinta Muhana, the Azerbaijani representative to the U.N. told the media that she was both dismayed and surprised by the relationship between Putin and Trump.

“Clearly, any country whose citizens care about human rights violations should not be too pleased about Mr. Putin getting so cozy with Mr. Trump,” Muhana said, “and I’m blown away you can’t see Putin’s hand up Trump’s ass from nearly any TV angle. Then again, as much sexual heat as those two have, fisting may be happening even if Putin’s not clearly got a bug in Trump’s ear.”

The U.N. ambassador from Denmark told reporters that she and her fellow Danes are “besides themselves” with shock and disbelief that a Republican president would be getting “so intimate and develop a relationship with such blatant sexual tension.”

“In 2012,” Denmark’s Alexandra Plimb told the media, “the Republican nominee was turning Russia into a sinister boogeyman with his rhetoric. Now? The Republican president-elect is giving Twitter shout-outs to Putin, who very obviously tried to help Trump win, which has everyone in my country besides themselves with confusion. It’s just bizarre to see two heads of state get so intimate and develop a relationship with such blatant sexual tension.”

France’s U.N. representative believes that while it may be “dangerous and fundamentally a bad idea” for Putin and Trump to get so close, maybe some great tragedy might be avoided if the pair “just go off somewhere and doink each other’s asses off.”

“Maybe if they just get a good, full release,” Henri Dijon told the press, “then they won’t be so pent-up. Without all that extra energy, with their obviously tiny sacks depleted of man juice — let’s face it, they both ooze overcompensation — we’ll avoid World War III. Otherwise, as hot headed as those two love birds are, the first spat between them and we could have nuclear winter.”

Representatives from Putin’s and Trump’s administrations could not be reached. Aides report they’re on a team-building exercise together at a corporate retreat somewhere in Eastern Russia.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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