Punxsutawney Phil Tells Kari Lake She’ll Spend Four More Years Not Being Governor

This morning, Punxsutawney Phil, the seer of seers, prognosticator of prognosticators, awoke from his slumber, saw his shadow, and predicted another six weeks of winter. Today’s Groundhog Day festivities however, also provided the world’s most famous groundhog with the opportunity to make one more prediction, which he shared with failed Arizona gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake.

“Punxsutawney Phil seemed really excited to share his second vision with Ms. Lake. Normally, people are only interested in his predictions regarding how long winter will last,” Punxsutawney Mayor Buster Doyle-Murray told reporters shortly after Phil delivered his message to Lake. “So when he foresaw another four years of her not being Arizona’s governor, we arranged for the Facetime session between Ms. Lake and Phil, right away.”

Reportedly, Punxsutawney Phil was asked to wait for ten minutes before giving his prediction to Lake while she hunted for the Facetime soft focus filter. Not being able to find it, however, Lake resorted to just smearing Vaseline all over her camera’s lens. Then, she told Punxsutawney Phil, she was ready to get his prediction.

“Needless to say, Not Governor Lake was devastated by the news. She screamed, howled, and told Punxsutawney Phil that if he didn’t change his prediction, she would order him arrested and extradited to Arizona, to be tried for crimes against a MAGA,” the mayor explained. “I gotta hand it to Phil, though. He was undeterred, and simply told Kari he only deals in what he can see, not what people want him to see, and he could clearly see she didn’t get enough votes to beat Governor Katie Hobbs, and that she’d never have those votes, either.”

Ms. Lake has vowed that Punxsutawney Phil will “pay the price for his lack of vision” once she is given control of Arizona, and Donald Trump is given control of the White House.

“Oh, he’ll pay big for his crimes against me and Trump. Punxsutawney Phil will pay,” Lake promised us. “As God and Sasquatch as my witness, Punxsutawney Phil will pay the price for his lack of vision.”

@jamboschlarmbo Not a happy #GroundhogDay for #KariLake Sad! #satire #politics #politik #political #Arizona ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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