FUKWHIT, NEW YORK — James O’Queef III and his Project Bullshitas have been attempting to make “gotcha” videos about liberals for over a decade and a half now. O’Queef first burst onto the scene in a comical get-up made to give him the appearance of a pimp, as he tried to prove that a progressive organization was actually just a prostitution ring’s front. O’Queef was also found guilty for his part in a bungled sting recording of then-senator Mary Landrieu.
Since last week, O’Queef and Project Bullshitas have been desperately searching for someone, anyone who will back up their claims that the election is being stolen by Democratic operatives. This week, the USPS worker O’Queef claimed was a star witness to election tampering had his story completely fall apart after investigators questioned him. However, just moments ago, Mr. O’Queef announced yet another stunning turn in this saga.
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“BREAKING: Project Bullshitas can confirm it is now in contact with an eyewitness who says they saw 3.2 trillion Trump votes launched into space,” O’Queef tweeted just moments ago. “We will not rest until this good patriot’s story is heard, nor until Attorney General William Barr personally cancels the election, which isn’t in the Constitution we pretend to love, but neither is anything Trump has done the last four years, so who cares, really?”
According to Mr. O’Queef, he was contacted late last night by a man named “John Barron” who said he personally watched as over three trillion Trump votes were loaded into a rocket ship and blasted off into the cosmos. There are only roughly 330 million Americans living in the U.S. today, and of them, just about 150 million voted, so it’s not clear at this time where or how three trillion votes for President Trump were cast. O’Queef seemed unconcerned about those facts, or about proving any of his allegations with evidence.
“I understand that so-called math makes it so-called impossible for so-called three trillion Trump votes to even so-called exist,” O’Queef admitted. “I ask you this, though, wouldn’t it be just like the deep state to hide the evidence so well it looks like there is no evidence? Isn’t lack of evidence just evidence and and of itself, and if not, why are my feelings not sufficient to establish fact?”
O’Queef said he will have “even more explosive news” later today.
“I was in a hurry and ate at Taco Bell for lunch. I expect to have even more explosive news, from my toilet, later today,” O’Queef teased, “and I can tell you, what will have come out of my asshole at that point will have the exact same level of importance in your life as the other stories I keep breaking!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.