Pro-Life Evangelical Wants to Officially Move Christmas to March

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster and music sensation Jethro Bohiggins is petitioning his state’s government to move the official date of Christmas from December 25th to a new date, earlier in the year, in March.

“Look, life begins at conception, not birth. And I know this is gonna be hard for some of my fellow conservatives to handle, but we gotta change with the times, sometimes,” Bohiggins told listeners to his podcast this week. “So if life starts at conception, we gotta go back nine months to March, and that’s when Jesus’ life begins.”

So far, Jethro has gotten support from virtually everyone at his church and the gas station he works the graveyard shift at for his idea.

“They get it. They just get it. Life begins at conception, and therefore, sadly, we’ve all been celebrating Christmas on the wrong day every year,” Bohiggins explained. “I know we like our traditions and customs as conservatives, but I think most Evangelicals are gonna be on my side when they hear my argument, fam.”

Mr. Bohiggins thinks the story of the nativity, and Christ’s birth, provide “quite a lot of insight” into the topic of abortion. Some theologians don’t think the Bible takes a position on abortion. Others have pointed out that the Bible seems to say that life begins with a baby’s first breath outside the womb. Jethro rejects those arguments.

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“Here’s the thing, I’m sure the Bible is clear as fuck about protectin’ all babies unless they’re born, brown, and fleeing violence and mayhem in Latin American countries,” Bohiggins posited. “And no, there shouldn’t be no rape or incest exceptions because Jesus was a product of nonconsensual, incestuous, Holy Statutory rape. God did it with one of his own daughters to make Jesus, so we gotta be biblically consistent with our abortion laws, fam!”

Jethro says that the date in March will have to be an estimate, just as the December date has been. He says it’s too hard to calculate “exactly when God forced himself in a loving, Godly way on Mary” and conceived Jesus. Unfortunately, Jethro says, the Bible doesn’t give exact dates for Jesus’ conception.

“We know it was in-mack-u-lit. We know that. But we don’t know when God put his divine donger in Mary,” Jethro said. “So we’ll just have to pick a date in March and run with it.”

In order to accommodate the change, Bohiggins says Easter can be moved to December.

“I know everyone likes the metaphor of Spring and the reemergence of Christ from the tomb,” Bohiggins said, “but obviously in the spring we should be celebrating God’s erection, not Jesus’ resurrection.”

Bohiggins has a meeting with State Rep. Thom Thompaulsen (R) this week, and he hopes he can get legislative support for his proposal. This story will be updated after his meeting with Thompaulsen.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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