SCHLAFLY RIVER, TEXAS– 56-year-old Kellen Masteroni has been a baker in his small Texas town for most of his adult life. He began working as an apprentice in the bakery he ultimately ended up taking over when his longtime boss retired, and has become a fixture in his berg; baking nearly every wedding and baby shower cake for festivities held at his church for over two decades.
Mr. Masteroni considers himself staunchly pro-life and told us that if he gets a sense he’s being asked to bake a cake for a couple that might consider aborting unwanted pregnancy, he will refuse their patronage. He has been asked to bake cakes several times in the past for a local chapter of Pro-Life Action Network, which works to restrict abortion access after the point of erection. Masteroni says his pro-life stance is so integral to his being that he recently had a full-blown panic attack at his bakery when some flour accidentally spilled.
“An entire thirty pound bag of flour, and it just dumped itself out all over the floor. All those beautiful pre-baked cakes, aborted before they could be brought to full term, at 425 degrees for twenty-five minutes,” Masteroni explained. “I feel like a cake murderer. A beautiful batch of pure, white angel food cake, and I aborted them all!”
Masteroni says he’s a “little nervous” that Texas’ new abortion law will land him in hot water now.
“I have no idea if anyone was outside, looking into my kitchen when I accidentally kicked the bag of flour over,” Kellen told us. “So if they decide to turn me in for aborting those cakes, I’m afraid I won’t have much of a defense. I murdered a bunch of innocent cakes, before they could even be baked. I’m a monster, and deserve to spend the rest of my life behind bars.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.