WASHINGTON, D.C. — When White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus came out of the Oval Office this morning, he was sweating profusely and breathing heavily.
Sources close to the Trump administration say that what had transpired behind closed doors moments before Priebus existed was a “tense and confusing conversation,” as one source put it, between the president and the man in charge of running his entire staff. Priebus told aides after the exchange with Trump that the president was not aware that Supreme Court Justices “are allowed” to read his tweets.
The Trump White House has asked that the Supreme Court review the multiple cases against Trump’s Muslim Ban, and Preibus was concerned, aides say, that Trump’s tweets would keep undermining the administration in court.
“Isn’t there some kind of separation of fuckin’ powers,” Trump could be heard bellowing from the Oval Office, “so that they’re not even allowed to read my tweets? Don’t have to give them permission, as Emperor God President, to read them? If not, why the fuck did I sign up for this shit?”
Priebus could be heard trying to explain “freedom” and “how it works in America” to his boss.
“Mr. President, please, with all due respect, the Supreme Court may not allow your Muslim — excuse me — travel ban if they read your tweets,” Priebus could reportedly be heard pleading with Trump, “please read the book I bought for you before you tweet again, okay? It could really help you in the long run, and might even keep us from doing nothing but answering questions about your tweets.”
Trump didn’t back down, sources say.
“Fuck that Reince,” Trump yelled, “I’m not going to read any book to learn how to be president. Not even the third grade U.S. history social studies book you bought me! And not ‘America for Dummies’ either, so don’t fucking ask about that book again! Someone should have told me that the rules still apply to me when I’m president. I’m not used to that in my life at all.”
As the two were conversing, Priebus got an alert on his phone that said his boss had decided to live tweet fired FBI Director James Comey’s highly-anticipated testimony before Congress. Mr. Priebus was alarmed and said so to the president. Mr. Trump laughed off Priebus’ concerns.
“Reince, Reince, chill baby, chill,” Trump said, placing a hand on Mr. Priebus’ shoulder, “no one’s going to care about what I post during Comey’s testimony. And even if they did, who cares? My base is behind me no matter what. Remember, I can shoot someone and not lose fans. It’s how it works. The courts will take my tweets as evidence? Fuck them. I’ll end the courts. I can’t do that? Fuck that, I can. Because I’m Donald Trump, the MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD!”
Just then, the door opened up and First Lady Ivanka Trump came in.
“Daddy,” Ivanka said, “It’s time for your feeding, changing, and nap time! You’ve got a very important play date with a CEO on the golf course later today. You need your rest. Come now, Daddy, let’s get you fed and your diaper changed.”
Trump turned back to Priebus as Ivanka led him out of the room.
“See,” Trump said, “POWERFUL AS FUCK.”
The phone rang. Priebus picked it up. He spoke briefly to Trump’s secretary.
“Sir,” Priebus said, “it’s Vladimir Putin. He says he has some urgent things to discuss with you and you have to drop whatever it is you are doing and talk to him right now or else the world will find out how much you love Borscht and whore piss? I don’t know. But he sounds pretty pissed, I guess.”
“I’m powerful as fuck,” Trump mumbled to himself, clearly in a more subdued, quieter tone, “I’m powerful…I’m power…”
A single tear escaped from its orange home and streamed down the president’s cheek.
You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.