LAKE LARMES-SALÉES, WISCONSIN — This has not been a week to remember for Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus.
On Wednesday, Priebus watched his party’s most recent primary debate on CNBC, and he was not pleased with what he saw. “While I was proud of our candidates and the way they handled tonight’s debate, the performance by the CNBC moderators was extremely disappointing and did a disservice to their network,” Priebus said in a statement about the debates. Things went from bad to worse for Priebus though, when he got a call shortly after the debate from the Turd Polisher in his town to come and pick up the batch of turds he’d left for polishing the night before.
“I was so angry and upset,” Priebus later told the press about when he picked up his turds. “Not a single one of them was nearly shiny enough,” Priebus continued, “and you could still tell that they were all turds. I didn’t drop them off to be polished into better looking turds; I wanted them to be so beautiful that people completely forgot they were looking at about 14 disgusting turds.” Priebus said that he has enjoyed collecting scatological samples for years, because he says he “has always loved the challenge of taking something repulsive and repackaging it into something palatable, like Paul Ryan.”
Mr. Priebus told reporters that earlier this week he hand delivered 14 “less than desirable” turds to Carl and Ned’s Beautification Corral, a business that makes its money taking “ugly, repulsive shit no one would want,” according to its website. Carl Hansmith, co-owner of the business, told our reporter that he “did the best” he could with Priebus’ turds, but that “ultimately, there’s only so much polishing of a turd you can do” and “sometimes a turd is just going to look like a slightly better looking turd once you’re done polishing it.”
“I’m not sure what I’ll do next,” Priebus told the media, “I kind of want my money back, but now I’m not sure anyone can polish my turds enough for my standards. And if I don’t get the American people to buy at least one of these turds from me, then I might be out as the Republican’s Chief Turd Seller, and I can’t live my life with that kind of failure.” Priebus said that it’s still not too late for him to find another turd to add to the collection, in the hopes that new turd will be the turd that “shines up to perfection,” but that he “isn’t holding [his] breath.”
“One way or another, I have got to get one of these turds looking good enough for everyone to forget that underneath the sheen is still a fetid, stinking mass of horribleness that should probably just be pitched out or flushed,” Priebus said, “or my goose is cooked.”