Responding To Pressure, TIME Adds “Garbage” To Trump’s Person Of The Year Cover

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Facing heavy backlash for naming President-Elect Donald Trump their “Person of The Year,” Time Magazine has made a small change to the issue’s cover, and will re-print it in coming days.

“We’d given the honor to people like Putin and Hitler on the Person of the Year cover,” Time Associate Deputy of Online Publication Chance Williamson told reporters during a conference call Wednesday morning, “so we thought putting Trump on the cover would just sort of carry on that tradition. It’s not like we consider it to be a title of high honor every year.”

As much as Time didn’t think making Trump their Person of the Year was “that big a deal,” Williamson said the outcry of disbelief and shock from American readers forced the editorial staff to hold an emergency meeting and in that meeting it was decided that one word would be added to the cover, in an effort to appease irate subscribers.

“The word ‘garbage’ will be added to all newly printed issues of the magazine going forward,” Williamson told the press, “and that way the title is a little more fitting as well. We had hoped that Americans of all political persuasions would at the very least appreciate that we’d broken a glass ceiling by having a non-human as our person of the year, but progress certainly can move slowly.”

There are no plans to permanently keep the award’s new name, Williamson said. However, if Trump wins again for 2017, they’d consider keeping the new prefix.

“We’re in uncharted territory in a bunch of ways,” Ms. Williamson insisted, “with Mr. Trump as our president. Let’s face it, with how his transition is going, and the way he’s putting totally unqualified people into positions of power, we might need to have a Person of the Year next year, because it’s hard to give that award out while Western Civilization is in an ash heap, know what I mean? So let’s just get through 2017, and then we’ll decide who Person of the Year is, and whether they’re a garbage person or not.”

Reached for comment, President-Elect Trump said he had no problems with Time changing the title of the issue.

“The way I see it,” Trump told the press pool outside his Trump Tower apartment early Wednesday morning, “I’m being talked about. That’s always a good thing. Many people tell me there’s no such thing as bad press, and I believe it. At least, I believe in the turgidity and rigidity of the erections I get whenever someone makes me the center of the discussion, so really, as long as I’m mentioned in there somewhere, that’s good enough for me.”

Time’s “Garbage Person of the Year” issue will hit newsstands some time next week.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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