WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to the White House are confirming this hour that a tense but jovial conversation is taking place between the President of The U.S. Virgin Isles and President Donald Trump of the United States of America. According to those with exclusive knowledge of the diplomatic tete-a-tete, the topic at hand is whether or not Trump should or will resign. The President of the U.S. Virgin Islands seems “desperate and anxious” to convince Trump to resign, one source told us.
“Come on President Trump,” the Virgin Isles president was reported as saying, “you don’t really want to do this crappy job anymore do you? When’s the last time you grabbed a single pussy?”
President Trump scratched his chins. He rocked back and forth in his chair, sources say. Finally, after a few minutes of thought, he spoke.
“You know, now that you mention it,” Trump said, “not a single pussy. These fingers, these MASSIVE, FUCKING GARGANTUAN FINGERS ON THIS YUUUUUUGE FUGGIN’ HAND OF MINE, haven’t grabbed a single, solitary puss in months. Even Vanka’s been too busy lately to come. Or visit.”
The Virgin Isles president could seemingly sense an opening, and so he dived right in.
“Hey there guy,” the Virgin Isles president began, “You know you’re completely over this shit, right? You’re not sleeping well, with or without Wife Three next to you. Your golf scores are creeping up. People are starting to talk about the possibility of your hair being fake.”
“WHO THE FUCK IS SAYING THAT,” Trump demanded.
“Just people,” the Virgin Isles president responded, “Various people. People are talking. You know how people talk. Some talk to me, no big whoop. But the point is, you’re cracking up. You should’ve dropped out last year.”
Trump wasn’t giving an inch.
“No! Listen, I may be having some rough times here and there because of the FAKE NEWS,” Trump admitted, “but I’m Donald Trump! I never fail at anything! That’s what Mummy and Diddums taught me! They taught me I’m rich and therefore very incapable of failure! I pay people lots of money to insulate me from my own failures in my business life. I can ride this out!”
For ten more tense minutes the two men jockeyed back and forth as to whether Trump’s health and mental state could withstand another three years of his presidency. Mr. Trump insisted that he was actually doing a good job “if you only talk to the people who voted for me and still like me.” The Virgin Isles president said he was impressed with that, but still thought Trump was hiding his true feelings.
“I’ve known you a very long time. A very long time,” the President of the U.S. Virgin Isles said, “and I haven’t seen you this sad since Nambia stopped exporting your favorite roasted covfefe beans!”
President Trump was resolute and obstinate.
“No! No no no no! And spare me any of this ‘Do it for the good of nation’ crap,” Trump bellowed at the Virgin Isles president, “Don’t tell me to think of everyone else.”
The Virgin Isles president laughed so hard a tiny bit of pee came out of dick.
“Donald Trump, think about someone else? What kind of noob do you take me for,” the Virgin Isles president said, fighting back tears of laughter, “You gotta think of yourself, Mr. President. I know you can do that. We all know you can do that.”
President Trump told the other man he appreciated his advice, and that he was also “extremely charming and handsome and prolly well hung as fuck.” But, ultimately, Trump said he would never resign. He said it was not only his duty, but is right.
“I’d rather drag the entire goddamned country down with me than admit I’m an abject failure,” Trump said, “so I hope everyone likes their steaks burnt to a crisp like me, because where I’m taking us, everything burns.”