President Trump’s New Executive Order Declares The Patriots Super Bowl Winners ‘No Matter What Happens On The Field’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As President Donald Trump was signing his latest executive order this morning, he smiled at the cameras and said that this order would be “much like many of the others” he’s signed and will benefit a “very, very good friend of his.”

As Chief of Staff Reince Priebus handed the order to Mr. Trump, the president read it aloud, almost as if for the first time.

“This is of course, the, Make The Patriots Win Again order,” Trump said, “which will make the New England Patriots the winners of the Super Bowl today, no matter what happens on the field.”

Mr. Trump said that late last night he got a call from Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, head coach Bill Belichick, and owner Bob Kraft. Some might remember that Brady was one of the first prominent celebrities to show an endorsement of Trump when he started doing interviews with a “Make America Great Again” hat in his locker. Belichick wrote Trump a letter of support during the campaign, and Kraft has said recently that Trump was always “there” for him.

The president has said before signing other executive orders scaling back bank regulations that he was doing so because his “friends” needed money. As he signed this morning’s orders, he confirmed that he was doing so again, and that more orders like this might come.

“It’s good to be da king,” Trump said, looking right into the camera lenses as he did so, “and it’s really good to be friends of da king, know what I mean?”

The executive order stipulates that “no other team but the New England Patriots shall be considered winners of any Super Bowl in which they are playing.” The order further stipulates even if the Atlanta Falcons score more points than the Patriots, they will still lose. Trump explained it as he signed.

“It’s really very simple,” Trump said, “Bob, Tom, and Bill are good friends. I want to help friends first, you know, as any president does and should do. So because they’re my friends, I want them to win no matter what. Even if the Falcons score more points, this order stipulates that Electoral College rules will be invoked in necessary, making the team with the lowest score the winner, in that scenario.”

Representatives from the NFL could not be reached for comment. Brady, however, was seen coming out of his hotel near the stadium in Houston where the game will be played today. A reporter told him the president had signed the order, and Brady pumped his fist in the air, shouted, “AMERICA!” and then farted a trail of thousand dollar bills into the horizon.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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