WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced today that he would be appointing a special new position that will report to him and be tasked with what anonymous staffers are referring to as the “most impossible job in American political history.”
“Folks,” President Trump told reporters from several right-wing media outlets present in the Oval Office for the announcement, “a lot of people in the FAKE NEWS press have been criticizing me for what they call rambling, incoherent interviews like the one I did with AP the other day, and like any good leader, I have heard the people and will make changes accordingly.”
Trump announced that starting in the second quarter of 2017, he will have a National Trump Translator installed. That person’s job will be to take what he says in interviews and “turn it into something people above a first grade reading level can understand.”
“People say I’m incoherent,” Trump said, “but waffle taco mishamsh moogity-boo, am I right?”
The reporter from Breitbart broke into applause. He stood up and cheered, telling his colleagues they were “being treated to the prose of a true American genius.” Trump held out his hand, and the Breitbart reporter kissed it, softly but with purpose.
“Honestly, I don’t even really think I need to fill this position,” Trump said, “because shmingy wingy thingy doo-da-dee, know what I mean? And besides, you know, I’ve been told, that [unintelligible] and even though she’s my daughter it’s not like she’s got her beautiful hands wrapped around [unintelligible] all the time, so I have to assume sometimes she’s telling me the truth, right? Pokey hashtag monkey barrel shimsham wallawalla bing-bang!”
The president has a list of candidates that he and the Heritage Foundation have already vetted for the position.
“We’re leaning toward Michele Bachmann right now,” Trump said, “because she speaks both crazy and stupid. Then there’s Sarah Palin who speaks crazy, stupid, and Republican. Michele speaks Republican too, but Sarah also has huge tits and I [unintelligible] Ivanka’s are better of course but [unintelligble, hand horn honking gestures and sounds], am I right, Taco Bell jogging pants farts and plants?”
Congress does not need oversight into this new government position, Trump said, because “a) I’m president and get to do whatever I want now, Mommy always said, and b) fuck you.” Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell both signaled they agree with the president.
“You know, if a black Democrat had done this,” Ryan said, “I’d be outraged and calling for some kind of investigation. But since Trump’s a Republican, I gotta be honest, I’m getting a little chubby at his authoritarian streak.”
McConnell simply popped his head out of his shell, smiled broadly at reporters who asked him questions about the new position, gave a wrinkly thumbs-up, and then returned back into his shell. This story is developing.
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