NEW YORK, NEW YORK — With just a little over a month to go until he is officially sworn-in as the 45th President of the United States, reality-TV star and alleged billionaire Donald J. Trump has begun announcing various appointments to his cabinet. This morning, Trump announced that he would be asking former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann to be his Secretary of Uneducation.
“We need someone who will be able to focus our educational systems in this country on what’s most important,” President-Elect Trump told reporters outside his Trump Tower home, “and that’s getting God and Jesus back in our science, reading, history, and math classes. Many people are saying we’re too smart. They’re saying that to me, you know? That we’re too smart for our own good. Michele will help us dumb down America in all the right ways.”
According to Trump, climate change poses a dangerous threat to Americans, and he thinks Bachmann can help.
“Too many people believe that climate change isn’t a hoax, invented by the Chinese,” Trump said, “or perhaps the people who live in China, I don’t know, to bring us down. Getting someone into a high level position who believes the planet is only 6,000 years old is absolutely critical to eliminating the threat that climate change believers present to rich people everywhere.”
Trump told the press he’s already had several discussions with Ms. Bachmann about how she’ll help reform schools in America.
“Michele will be playing a vital role in unwinding all that science and history and math and factual information liberal brainwashing has instituted via Communist Core,” Mr. Trump said, “and if Secretary Bachmann catches you inflating the Earth’s age by even a billion years, you’re fired. If she sees you teaching that anything other than total abstinence, where you don’t even acknowledge that you have genitals yourself, can help prevent pregnancy, you’re in jail for the rest of your life.”
Ms. Bachmann, not at the press conference because she was out picketing the new movie set in the Harry Potter universe for being “too pro magic and not enough pro-Bible magic,” told reporters that found her at the nearby Chick-Fil-A that she was “very proud and honored” to be given such an important job.
“Who knew that you could be an abysmal failure as a legislator,” Bachmann said, “a flaming pile of shit as a presidential nominee, and still get offered a key role in a presidential cabinet? Well, I knew, because I’m a Republican, and that’s how we do things.”
Asked for her first priority as Secretary of Uneducation, Bachmann didn’t hesitate before answering.
“Burning every single textbook that doesn’t start with three simple words — The. Holy. Bible,” Bachmann said, “then we can start getting rid of teachers and just hand every kid in class an iPad with headphones so they can listen to Clint Eastwood narrate the Bible — but the Republican Bible. It’s the same as the regular Bible, but without all that hippy-dippy shit coming out of Jesus’ mouth.”
Bachmann served as an adviser on the Trump campaign. At current count, Mr. Trump lost the popular vote by an over two million voter margin. Trump will be sworn-in on January 20th, 2017, which also marks the end of the American experiment, coincidentally enough.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.