At Easter Service, President Trump Tells First Lady He Feels Honored By ‘All These T’s Everywhere’

WEST PALM BEACH, FLORIDA — After paying his morning round of golf from his Southern Oval Office on the course at Mar-A-Lago, President Donald Trump was overheard telling his First Lady on the way to a church service that he was “blown away” and “honored” by all the giant letter “T”s he kept seeing on the way.

“Ivanka,” Trump reportedly leaned over in the presidential limousine, “isn’t this just spectacular? Look at how much people love the Trump family. It’s like every church we pass is full to the brim with people, and on every single church is a giant T! Look at all these T’s everywhere!”

Ivanka barely looked up from her smartphone. She said something that staffers and aides say was inaudible, but sounded vaguely like it ended with “Daddy.” Trump told his daughter that he felt like the T’s were a sign.

“See, this is why I told you we could make nice with the fundies,” Trump said, “they’ll totally forgive my pussy grabbing and disgusting behavior because I gave them a Supreme Court justice who hasn’t met a uterus he didn’t want to control. And now all these T’s, just for me? Tremendous, bigly yooge tremendous.”

“Gosh, it’s just so amazing to see how many of these people really do love me,” Trump said, marveling at yet another church they passed with several large crucifixes outside.

After about ten more minutes of driving, the limo pulled up to the church that Ivanka and the president would be attending. A big sign read “Happy Easter, He is Risen!” Trump asked one of his aides to take a picture with him and Ivanka in front of the sign. He put his arm around her waist, pulling her in closer, resting his hand just gently so on her right buttock, squeezing gently but playfully.

“I have no idea how they knew I was up from my early morning post-tweet rant nap,” Trump said, “but boy am I really touched by this sign. And after hugging Ivanka so closely, I’ve definitely risen in a whole other way.”

As they were entering the church, Ivanka let out a cry. President Trump turned around quickly, the diarrhea and gummy worms in his head sloshing loudly. He was afraid something had happened to her.

“Daddy,” Ivanka said, “I just watched this video, Daddy. And on the video these horrible men blew up an entire planet, Daddy! We have to do something, Daddy! We have to act. This is worse than those Syrian children I convinced you to care about!”

Trump shushed his daughter.

“Oh, that was just my pals Darth and Steve Bannon,” Trump told his daughter, “nothing to worry about there, Sweetie. Vladimir’s on top of that one.”

Ivanka smiled, gave her dad a big, full, wet kiss on the mouth, and they went into the church to learn about Jesus and shit.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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