WASHINGTON, D.C. — As President Donald Trump watched the royal wedding of Prince Henry Charles Albert David and Princess Meghan Markle, sources within the White House say he was mostly impressed with the affair, but as it wound down he expressed deep outrage that no one played the Star Spangled Banner.
“Wait! Wait a fucking minute,” Trump was heard bellowing at the TV. “Where’s the national anthem? Who is gonna play the national anthem?”
Reportedly, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, a trail of bacon grease in her wake, entered the Oval Office to explain that the national anthem would be coming shortly. Then, as if by magic, the cathedral was filled with the sounds of “God Save the Queen,” the national anthem of Great Britain.
This did not please Mr. Trump whatsoever.
“What is this bullshit, Sarah? That’s not the national anthem,” Trump howled. “They’re playing the wrong song! Get on the phone and tell them to stop, and to make sure everyone in that church gets off their damn knees!”
Huckabee, wiping nacho cheese from her chin, tried to calm her boss down.
“Sir, that’s the British anthem. Every country has its own,” Huckabee said.
Trump didn’t believe her.
“I don’t believe you, Sarah,” the president said.
Huckabee pulled her phone out of her pocket. After wiping the melted Reese’s Pieces off the screen, she brought up a dictionary definition of “national anthem” and showed it to the president. Trump threw the phone across the room, but his hands are so small the laws of physics state he can’t generate that much velocity, and it landed rather softly on the floor just next to Huckabee.
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“They call that country great and they couldn’t even play our national anthem? Gimme a break,” Trump pouted. “For Chrissakes, Sarah, isn’t that Steve Urkel girl an American? Isn’t there some kind of law about how you have to play the American national anthem when foreign royalty marries an American?”
Ms. Huckabee Sanders informed Trump there are no such agreements.
“Oh boy, another horrible, bigly bad deal for America,” Trump lamented. “And let me guess, that black one signed this agreement too?”
Huckabee told her boss that Barack Obama had nothing to do with this, and that it’s just tradition to have the British anthem played at royal British weddings.
“I don’t believe you Sarah, but I’ve also been focusing on this for more than two minutes, so my brain is tired, and I need to recharge myself,” Trump said, grabbing the TV remote and putting it on a channel he had the White House A/V team setup which only plays old videos of himself on TV during the 1980’s and 1990’s. “Bring me a Diet Coke and a couple buckets of chicken.”
The press secretary nodded and within minutes, Trump was slugging back the soda and slurping down hastily bitten off bites of fried chicken.