President Trump Orders The Statue of Liberty’s Torch Blown Out

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following his speech to a joint session of Congress and all eight sitting members of the Supreme Court, Co-President Donald Trump ordered that the torch carried by the Statue of Liberty be blown out as soon as possible.

“For years this torch has served as a beacon to the huddled masses, yearning to breathe free,” Trump said as he was handed the new executive order to sign, “But now, as we embrace the America First mantra that will lead our reich to a new era of glory, we know we probably don’t want so many people seeing this beacon.”

Trump explained that even though the North American continent is “bigly large,” and even though there are millions of empty homes and thousands of jobs that need doing, America simply cannot take on “every Juan, Ahmed, or Harry” that comes across the border. No matter how much the Constitution is build on freedom and liberty, Trump said, Americans must be careful who they give freedom to because “some people aren’t as worthy of freedom as others.”

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“We don’t really want so many masses, huddled or not, no matter how freely the yearn to breathe,” Trump said, his pen swiping over the paper before him.

Trump insisted that it’s “just common sense” to pre-judge people based on their country of origin or religion, even if the First and Fourteenth amendments directly contradict such a notion.

“I can’t breathe freely going up and down stairs,” Trump said, “but you don’t see me trying to enter this country illegally. No sir! I came in the old fashioned way — through my rich, white mother’s vagina. Why can’t they do that…or at least do it the way my wives do it…by marrying a douchebag they can’t stand?”

Co-President Trump said that while the move might be symbolic, it will also serve a practical purpose.

“Just in case any immigrants or refugees are still thinking of coming to our shores by way of Ellis Island,” Trump said, “the torch not being lit should keep them from finding their way all that easily.”

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While signing the order, Trump said he’s mulling some other changes.

“We might fill the grand canyon with millions of trampolines,” Trump said, “and then we can drop the people we’re deporting back to Mexico — even if they were born in China — out of a helicopter like my idol Pinochet did to socialists into the Grand Canyon. The trampolines will bounce them right out of our country and into Mexico. Bing-bang-boom, Presidentin’.”

A statement from Mexico’s government simply reads, “Chingate, Pendejo Naranjo. Y chinga tu partido politico en sus bocas.”

This is a developing story.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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