President Trump Releases List of Things He’d Do Differently During Government Shutdown

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump released a list of things he would do differently if the federal government were to be shut down. The fight over whether to keep the government open or sign budget resolutions that keep it funded has erupted over the Republican Party’s struggle to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act — Obamacare — and replace it with something the American people want and need more.

Mr. Trump tweeted recently that Senate Republicans should either completely ban the filibuster and make every decision in the body based on a simple majority or allow the government to shutdown instead of making a deal with Democrats that doesn’t allow for Trump’s wall on the southern border among other requests he’s made for the budget. The president apparently wanted to show everyone in the country just exactly what it is he’d be doing with his time if the U.S. government had to shut itself down.

What follows is the list, as provided by White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer.

Everything I’d Do More Different-er When the Government Shuts Down

by President/Emperor Donald J. Trump

  1. I’d finally have more time to play some golf.
  2. Tweet incessantly at all hours of the day.
  3. Demonstrate a complete and utter dearth of knowledge on the history of our country.
  4. Accuse Barack Obama of doing something without any evidence.
  5. Get something ridiculously easy and well-known about American history utterly and completely wrong in a very comical fashion.
  6. Make some calls to foreign countries on behalf of my business interests without having to worry about making it seem like it’s not like that at all.
  7. Google pictures of Ivanka in a bathing suit.
  8. Google pictures of Ivanka out of a bathing suit.
  9. Call doctor, ask if cure for “Tiny Hands and Shriveled Dick Syndrome” has been found yet. Blame Obama when it hasn’t.
  10. Go to church. J/K, LOL! I’d just probably grab some pussy, sorry Religious Right! Please still vote for me, mkthx!
  11. Twiddle my thumbs all day and pretend to work…wait. Hang on. That one’s not much…never mind.
  12. I’ll flush the toilet myself instead of having my piss boy do it for me (it is good to be the king/president/whatever, you know).
  13. Crank call Hillary and remind her I won the Electoral College, which if I’m not mistaken, has never, ever, ever been done before, like, ever.
  14. Be a giant, orange twat waffle.
  15. Um, I don’t know. I’m running out of ideas. What did Obama put on his list? Just do that for me, but you know, less “urban” and more “white” or “correct.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

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