President Trump Lets First Lady Rest Her Finger on Big Red Button While He Takes a Leak

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At last week’s G20 summit in Germany, President Donald Trump made waves and raised eyebrows when he had his daughter First Lady Ivanka Trump, an unelected relative of his, sit in his place at a meeting with some of the world’s most powerful leaders while he wrapped up another meeting with the prime minister of Japan. The hubbub over the decision raised questions of the appropriateness of having the president’s daughter “fill-in” for him at such high levels.

Today, in the Oval Office, White House photographers were stunned to see Ivanka sitting behind the president’s desk with her finger just barely resting on a big, red button with the label “DO NOT PRESS THIS DONALD! SERIOUSLY, DON’T EVER FUCKING PRESS THIS BUTTON!”

“Oh hi guys,” Ivanka said as the press pool entered the Oval Office, “I’m just sitting here for a couple minutes while Daddy makes a tinkle.”

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Ms. Trump explained that her father, the President of the United States of America, was sitting in his office watching “Fox & Friends” with his finger grazing the nuclear launch button on his desk. Suddenly, Ivanka said, President Trump felt the call of nature, and knew he had to urinate. He called Ivanka in and asked her to just sit in his chair for a few minutes while he peed.

“It’s kind of perfect Ivanka,” Trump said, “because your finger is actually a little bigger than mine, so you could mash that button with more authority than even I could!”

Ivanka said she agreed to sit in the chair behind the desk, as long as Trump “was quick about it.”

“He also made me promise not to nuke anyone he likes,” Ivanka said, “so Saudi Arabia is out, but California is in. He said I can also nuke Crooked Hillary’s house as well as Rosie O’Donnell’s.”

When President Trump got back to his desk, he noticed there were more people in the Oval Office than when he had left. He pointed to the reporters and cameras and told them to “be nice or pay the price later.” Though he later laughed and said that he was “just kidding” about seeming to threaten them.

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“Why would I threaten you,” Trump asked, “over this totally harmless, totally normal thing you’ve just seen? There’s nothing weird or wrong about this, and so I have no reason to feel threatened by even the FAKE NEWS media covering it.”

As she got up from the desk, President Trump patted Ivanka’s rear end a little too long, and thanked her for service to this country, which he said no one had ever done before, both thanking someone for their service and someone serving the country like Ivanka had.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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