President Trump Tucks Folded Up Electoral College Map Into Western Wall

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Earlier, Donald Trump became the first sitting U.S. president to visit Israel’s fabled Western Wall during his first international trip since being sworn into office. As is the tradition, Trump tucked a folded piece of paper into the wall, which is said to be a sort of conduit to God. Traditionally, prayers are what are on the pieces of paper folded up and placed into the wall’s cracks.

Sources close to Trump, however, say that the president took this as a chance to “let the Almighty know how bigly” his Electoral College win was last year.

“The president simply wanted God to know what his margin of victory was in the Electoral College,” White House Press Secretary told reporters aboard Air Force One later in the day, “and I don’t want to get ahead of the piss-puss-pose-PRESIDENT here, but we’re pretty confident that God was impressed by what he saw.”

Spicer explained that Mr. Trump had staffers print out a map of the Electoral College vote tallies in last year’s election, and he then instructed them to fold it up so he could stick it in the wall. He told aides, Spicer said, that if the “FAKE NEWS press won’t report” on his victory for the next four years, perhaps God could convince them to. The only way that would happen, Trump suspected, was to hand deliver a copy of the Electoral College results to God.

“But since that bearded dick stopped taking my calls,” Trump apparently told his advisers, “I gotta resort to faxing him, I guess. That’s what this Great Wall of Jewish Land is, right, a fax machine to God?”

Aides reportedly told Trump that’s exactly what the Western Wall is, as they are under strict orders to maintain a “proper bubble of presidential delusion” thanks to an executive order Trump signed in the first 100 days of his tenure. Upon hearing this, Trump also decided to include a personal note to God with the map. Spicer told reporters the letter was a “brief but cordial opening offer for the corporate naming rights of Heaven.”

“The president just wanted to know if God would be interested in letting Mr. Trump sponsor Heaven,” Spicer said, “so it would be Trump’s Heaven, or Etern-A-Lago. You get the idea. We think God will be really excited about this, because everyone likes to make money, and the president is such a proven businessman with a perfect track record of success in every business venture he’s ever embarked on. In fact, he’s never made a mistake in his life, and I am no way only saying this just because he implanted a self-destruction bomb in my skull that will explode the moment I stop lying for him.”

God could not be reached for comment.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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