President Trump Looking Into Statute of Limitations on Disowning Children

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to President Trump are indicating at this hour that he is contemplating several next steps in the ongoing saga of the Russian hacking scandal that has consumed his presidency.

Last year, a bombshell report in The New York Times confirmed that in the summer of 2016 the president’s son, Donald Trump Jr., accepted a meeting with a Russian lawyer, with the full knowledge beforehand that the information on Hillary Clinton being offered came from the Kremlin’s effort to undermine the election.  One of the steps that the president is reportedly considering is disavowing, and perhaps even disowning, his oldest son.

This week, Trump appeared to admit to collusion with Russia, after months of protests to the contrary while trying to squash the buzz around his son’s meeting, on Twitter.

RELATED: President Trump Calls Donald Trump Jr. ‘Fake News’

“Huckabee, HUCKABEE GODDAMNIT, SARAH,” Trump apparently bellowed from within the Oval Office this morning, “Get my best, and by best I mean most Jew-y, lawyers on the phone. I need to know something.”

Huckabee Sanders came in moments later and told Mr. Trump she had the White House counsel on the line for him. Trump nodded. He picked up the phone and started barking at the attorney on the other end.

“Listen to me,” Trump said with anxiety clearly present in his voice, “You gotta tell me. Can I disown Junior?”

The White House counsel said he’d have to go do some research and he’d get back to the president. This made Trump unhappy, but he understood. Sources say he spent the next two hours watching Sean Hannity’s interview with Donald Trump Jr. and shouting about how he “always knew Ivanka was smarter AND sexier.”

At some point, Sanders came back into the Oval Office. She walked briskly over to Trump and whispered in his ear, and her twin brain tails slung down around around her right shoulder.

“Master,” Huckabee Sanders said, “White House special counsel is here, on the grounds. I told him I will take you to Trump-a now.”

Huckabee Sanders led a young man into the room and sat him down in front of President Trump.

“So, tell me, what’s the good news,” Trump began.

The attorney squirmed in his chair. It was obvious to everyone in the room he wasn’t sure how to break bad news to the president. He made an effort, nonetheless, to communicate with Mr. Trump.

RELATED: Hillary Spotted in NYC, Circling Donald Trump Jr.’s Building & Shouting ‘But HIS Emails!’

“Sir, I’m afraid that while it’s a really brilliant — dare I say even genius — idea,” the lawyer said, “Apparently some stupid libtarded libtards convinced Americans that after the age of eighteen, people are adults and can’t be legally disowned by their parents.”

That’s when sources say Trump threw the biggest tantrum they’ve seen from him to date.

“Damn it,” Trump said, “I’m never going to get to be in the same room with Satan again! This makes me so mad.”

Eventually, aides were able to calm President Trump down with elephant sedatives and old tapes of himself on TV from the 1980’s. When he had settled himself enough, he decided he didn’t want to disown his son after all. He had another plan instead.

“Do you know if we have perfected time travel yet,” Trump asked Huckabee Sanders, “because I could just go back in time and pull out of a few things and fix this whole mess.”

This story is developing.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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