“Why I Should Be President” by Sarah Palin

The United America States is a country. It is a country I want to be presidential of. Also, before I forget, Benghazi. So, anyway, Obama’s been in the White House for ten years now. It’s time for the boy who thinks he’s Kenyan King to pull over the Alinksy Bus on the Democracy Turnpike so we can have a mano-ee-mano discussion about the Constitution, for cryin’ out loud!

This country needs to get back to its roots. Let’s get the government out of our dinner choices, out of our kids’ schools, and out of our goshdarned gun lockers too, am I right? I mean, if I want to drink a Big Gulp at Chik-Fil-A and wear an American Flag the entire time, then by heck I am going to do that. The man may be on your back and the pony may be taking a slow boat to Georgia on Abraham Lincoln’s childhood home in Grant’s Tomb. But that doesn’t mean we still can’t make this America we love so much great again!

Maybe the liberal lame-stream media aren’t talking about how important it is the economy to keep the gays in the closet and the blacks out of the voting booths, but that doesn’t mean true patriots aren’t, also Taco Bell. I mean. C’mon for cripes sakes, Obama, give us back control over our medical decisions unless of course it’s birth control and a Christian-owned company and then of course only the person paying THE BILL, OBAMA, should get the final say.

Also, Benghazi.

You know, this Mama Grizzly knows three things for sure. One — when Baby Jesus and his papa God baked the earth about 6,000 years ago they weren’t worried about global warming, and so neither am I. Secondly, Obama the Communist, Socialist, Sharia Law Lover can have my guns over my dead body, and lastly, I like muffins. You can’t stop me from liking muffins, and if you try to stop me from liking muffins, you better believe this Patriot Mama Bear Grizzly Woman Attention Whore Benghazi Hating Conservative will kick your ass!

Real Americans remember that there was a time not that long ago when America didn’t ask for forgiveness or permission. We must return to that time. We must stop being cowards, worrying about what the “international community” of our “fellow human beings” we “share this planet with” think about our unilateral and hasty actions. Also, Benghazi. Don’t forget, the lamestream media won’t tell you this, but we know where the Noah’s Ark is, and we’re going to find it, put it on display on the White House lawn, and recapture this country for the Christians that it was solely designed for, ahead of all other religions and faiths.

Now, if you want to vote for the man, go right on ahead. If you want the government in your medical decisions, using death panels to force you to get an abortion, you vote for the Dumbo-craps. But if you want to live in Real America again where every life, no matter how microscopic and incapable of sentient thought, is protected to the fullest-extent of the Constitution, then you do not vote for them. Ever. If you want to live in an America where you can salute the flag and sing the national anthem without going to jail for daring to live this country so much, you know who to put in the Ovaltine Office!

I’m not going to pontoonficate about this subject too much more; I’ve used all my big words anyway and Todd wants to go do it on a pile of bullets. I also can’t seem to remember what this whole thing was supposed to be about, so I’m just going to wrap it all up with three things every American should think about.

1. Benghazi

2. Socialism

3. These Colors Do Not and Will Never Run, Go Grizzly Mamas Go!

Okay, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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