WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources very close to President Barack Obama are telling various media outlets this morning that he plans to personally pilot a drone over the bird sanctuary building that an armed citizen militia has taken over in Oregon, to assess the situation and address the people occupying the building.
“We don’t live under the Articles of Confederation anymore,” one White House aide told us, “and President Obama is going to personally fly a drone over that building to gently remind those people of that fact.” The same aide said that Obama will also “gently nudge the gunmen toward the notion” that carrying a gun means “your protest can in no way be considered peaceful.” In preparation for the drone flight, the president has been spending “as much time as possible,” according to another source, playing Microsoft Flight Simulator, and even bought a “special, cool guy joystick” for the training.
There will be no announcement prior to the flight taking place, sources say, to ensure that the full impact is felt by the gunmen in Oregon. “We want them recognize as quickly as possible that their ideas of how the Second Amendment works in 21st century America are laughably naive,” one aide said in an email. “The simple fact is that the overwhelming majority of Americans don’t sympathize with ranchers who thought they could burn property that doesn’t belong to them,” another source said, “and they aren’t going to care if we use a little friendly persuasion to push them out of the bird sanctuary.”
“The drone flight the president conducts will not be armed with traditional weaponry,” one Pentagon source confirmed. Instead, a new experimental payload will be attached to the drone — dildos. The president will have at his discretion, approximately 30,000 dildos of various shapes, sizes and electronic features that can be dropped on the militiamen with the press of a button. “The president wants to make sure that the American people’s message — that these armed men can go fuck themselves — is received loud and clear.”
White House staffers also reported that the occupation — dubbed “Bundy’s Rebellion” by Obama and his cabinet — has mostly made the president “giggle with delight,” as one source put it. “Because let’s face it, these are the same people who have been demanding that the Department of Defense’s budget keep blowing up and up and up,” the aide said,
and now they think their cache of semi-automatic rifles and handguns will be able to help them when a drone-fired missile wakes them up at 2 a.m.” Obama, though, doesn’t want to use actual bombs would still “much prefer to use the dildo barrage instead” because he thinks “these sad little men need mocking more than anything.”
Administration officials estimate the cost of the dildo barrage to be roughly “whatever 30,000 dildos times whatever the cost is,” but say that estimate could change as they discover just how much dildo firepower is used and when.