President Obama Pees His Birth Certificate In Russian Into Snow On The White House Lawn

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack H. Obama (D-Kenya) was photographed and videoed on the front lawn of the White House early Tuesday morning, his back turned to the press, steam rising from the ground around him.

The Obama administration did not make any announcements prior to the president showing up on the White House lawn. Later, one administration official would tell reporters under condition of anonymity and turkey jerky that Mr. Obama decided “on a whim” to go out to the lawn and that his “senioritis has made the president far more willing to break out of his normal routine.” Obama stood on the front lawn with steam rising from his feet for roughly 20 minutes, and when he was finally finished he called the press pool over.

“Everyone, come look at the gift I’ve given the incoming president-elect,” Obama said, “after many years of his demands and harassment on the issue, I’ve decided to cave and give Trump my birth certificate.”

Obama pointed to the snow on the lawn. On it, he had “drawn” a birth certificate in urine, written in Russian. All the reporters remarked at how legible the writing was. The birth certificate listed “Your Mom” as President Obama’s birth place and the line for the doctor’s signature was filled out by “Dr. IP Freely.” President Obama’s smile was ear to ear as he let the assembled reporters take photographs of the yellow snow birth certificate.

“I just figured with his inauguration coming at the end of the week,” Obama said, “that I’d give Mr. Trump something to remember me, and really our relationship, by. After all, my skin color gave him his political start. But I also wanted to make sure that Donald read it, so I wrote it in the one thing I knew would grab his attention right away — pee.”

President-Elect Trump released a short statement upon hearing that Obama had released his birth certificate onto the snow of the White House lawn. In it, Trump said he was “very pleased President Obama finally decided to drop the charade.” Trump also praised Obama’s use of ink fluid.

“First of all,” the Trump statement read, “I am very pleased President Obama finally decided to drop the charade. Further, the fact that he used the best liquid on God’s green earth to write out the certificate is just proof that everything’s comin’ up Donny right now. And that’s so huge. We’re going to win so bigly so often in the next four years you’ll tell me to hit the golden showers. You’re going to be pissed at me after all the winning we do. Nothing will be able to hold back the rushing tidal wave of relief that will come from us winning so much.”

Donald Trump will be sworn in as the 45th President of the United States of America and Russia on Friday, January 20th, 2017.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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