President Lindsey Graham Would Build a Wall Around a Wall Around a Wall

COBB COUNTY, IOWA — Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) is a presidential candidate for the Republican Party. Though recently while preparing for a rally in Cobb County, Iowa one Republican voter approached Graham and asked, “Oh, are you still running? I thought this was a rally for Trump.” Graham is currently polling among the very bottom of the more than one dozen candidates the GOP is fielding for the 2016 presidential election. Sources close to Graham say that he knows he must make up ground quick, which means moving further to the right of the front runners — Donald Trump, Jeb!, and Gov. Scott Walker (R-WI) — and those same sources are telling The Political Garbage Chute that immigration is where Graham will make his move to the hard right.

That intention to move to the right of the leaders of the pack was put on full-display when Graham unveiled his “Wall Around a Wall Around a Wall” plan for all of the nation’s borders. Graham told the sixteen people in attendance that as president, he would “construct a glorious, spectacular, awe-inspiring series of walls” around the entire country — with the exception of Hawaii and Alaska as they would be given individual triple-layer walls.

“We will make it clear to all who wish to come in that they must know the secret knock, the password, and a series of ever-increasingly difficult trivia questions about American history, and then they can enter through our triple-layer wall of fortitude,” Graham told those in attendance. “We will build these walls around walls around walls because you never can be too safe. You never can be too secure, and you never can bee xenophobic and afraid of outsiders,” Graham would later tell reporters.

Graham said that “trying to keep foreigners out is a tried-and-true Republican policy initiative from the days of the great oligarch-appointed President McKinley,” and that “just because our party’s abandonment of openness to all cost us dearly between when FDR became president and when Eisenhower finally won the White House back nearly 20 years later, that doesn’t mean we’ll get punished the same exact way for our overt racism and paranoia.”

Sources close to Graham say that he knows is a “Hail Martha, or whatever those big, sweaty footballers say” of an idea. He understands that he is a longshot, but according to the campaign aides, “the Senator is very much so committed to establishing a donor base that can keep pumping money into the coffers, allowing him to run for president multiple times, essentially becoming an employee of the donors, while never really having a chance in hell of winning.”

“How will I pay for this wall, my opponents will ask,” Graham told his audience, “and I will tell them we will pay for this wall the same way we paid for the Iraq and Afghanistan War — our national credit card. Because as a Republican, I believe in demagogueing government spending I don’t agree with, but in breaking the bank on Defense and other projects that my base is okay spending money on. Pretty much the rule of thumb is, if it negatively impacts brown people we think are socialists, terrorists, or parasites coming to leech off us, we’re okay with spending money on it. Bombs, walls, whatever.”

Senator Graham is currently polling around last place in most major polls, with more than a year left before the election.