“Why I Should Be President” by Jeb Bush

The Political Garbage Chute, in the interest of its readers, wanted to get to know the big names that have so far thrown their hats in the ring, signaling that they are at least considering running for president in next year’s election. So we sent them all a few sheets of lined paper and a pen with a note asking them to write an essay with the theme of “Why I Should Be President.”

What follows is the essay we received back from Jeb Bush.

Why I Should Be President
by Jeb Bush

My fellow Americans, the question was posed to me, “Why do you want to be president?” and I intend to answer that question as honestly and forthrightly as possible. That’s what being president is all about: honesty. I should know. I come from a long line of presidents who were nothing but completely honest with the American people from day one.

Oh, you mean you hadn’t heard yet? Yeah, I’m kinda related to a couple for former presidents. One’s my dad, who absolutely did not help cover up any evidence of a secret war funded by the Reagan Administration he was Vice-President of. Then, and I don’t even know if you remember him really, there’s my brother George. He was president for eight years a long, long time ago in the early 21st century, and Lord knows if there’s anything you can accuse my brother George of, it’s being too honest with people about stuff.

But outside of honesty, what makes me qualified to be president? Well, I was the governor in Florida when my brother barely won that state thanks to some courtroom shenanigans that ended ballot counts in my state. So that means I was already a vital cog in making America what it is today. Would my brother, the best president ever, have been in the Oval Office if I hadn’t been in America’s dong, directing my administration to help end vote counts before they showed Al Gore had won?

You’re welcome for that, by the way, no need to thank me.

So I’m honest, and I helped my brother become president. But is that all I’ve got? Of course not! I’m also a Bush. Being president is in our genes! And after all, when this country fought a bloody and costly war for independence, we did it knowing full-well we’d want to set up the same familial dynasties to rule this great nation too. It just makes sense to hand down power from one member of a family to another, doesn’t it?

It makes total sense to me anyway.

Also, I’m rich, white and slightly-passed middle aged. I’m pretty sure that up until a certain — ahem — Democrat won in 2008 that those three factors alone would all but guarantee me at least four years in the big chair in the semi-round office. But, I get it, times change, and I’m going to have to either appeal to a broader section of voters or hope that voter ID laws keep enough of the traditionally Democratic voters in key states from making their voices heard.

So clearly I’m in favor of voter ID. We, um, need to keep the vote secure or something.

Now, some people have pointed out that my affable nature and assurances of not being a neoconservative war monger sound eerily like when my brother — the best president in the history of presidents — ran in 2000 and swore up and down he’d be a “domestic policy” president. He then of course went on to oversee the most morally just and righteous seven years of unchecked war making and mindless spending spree in the history of our country.

Obviously, I’ve already convinced you to vote for me, but let me reiterate something.

My last name is Bush. I mean, I don’t want to sound like “that guy,” but my last name is Bush. I think I’m kinda owed this presidency thing, since you know, my last name is Bush and all. If you pull out your pocket Constitution you’ll see it in there, somewhere in the back I think, that only two families are supposed to even be considered at a time. You know who “they” want to nominate, so well…

My last name is Bush.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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