President-Elect Trump Hopeful His TV Producers Will Start Telling Him How To Run the Country

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — It is no secret on The Hill that the transition from President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) to President-elect Donald Trump (R-Dumbfukistan) has not been very smooth or completely thought out.

Trump’s campaign manager didn’t seem to notice Congress was already in session on Inauguration Day, and the Trump team seemed completely unaware that Obama’s White House staff would not be staying on once the 44th president left office in January. At a press conference in New York today, Trump gave some more insight as to why he was struggling to cohesively and quickly put together a solid team for himself.

“When the hell are the producers going to get here,” Trump asked the reporters, “to help me make decisions that are good for the show? That’s what I’m used to these days.”

Trump told the press that even though he is “the best decision maker ever” and that his multiple bankruptcies for his businesses are proof he knows “how to game the system like a champ,” that his period as the host of “The Apprentice” on NBC got him used to the idea of not thinking for himself but still getting to look important and wise. President-elect Trump said that’s how he envisions his tenure at the White House, and hopes that his producers will reach out to his soon to start pre-production on “the best season of The Apprentice ever.”

“Boy it’s been tough staffing this administration. Very tough. Very tough,” Trump said, “But as you can tell I’m really in the best shape of my life, stamina and health-wise. So I’m up for the task, but hoooo-wee boy is this hard. On the Apprentice, you know, the most successful and highly rated television show in the history of the known universe? Anyway, on that show, I had these producers who really kinda ran everything. They’d tell me where to stand, what to say, and most importantly, who to hire or fire. Sure, we made it seem like it was my decision alone, but as anyone watching us try to hobble our team together can see, I’m not good at that stuff by myself. I’m a hell of a good delegate-er though. I can delegate the living shit out of things.”

When asked, Trump said that he was not going to eschew traditionally held views that the president should be the one making the final decisions. He said, however, that he plans to run the country like his reality show “just a bit” and give his producers a chance to have “creative input.” Trump claimed that the American people can still “trust and believe” that he’ll “at the very least look like a competent decision maker through the magic of TV.”

Trump said that if his television producers are too busy or cannot by law make decisions for him, he has a back up plan.

“The buck still stops here,” Trump said, “and then I fold it into a paper airplane and whizz it over to Mike Pence, or Vlad, or someone and have them tell me what to do.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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