President-Elect Trump: ‘I Like Honoring The Veterans Who Were Never Captured More’

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — On the first Veteran’s Day since his historic upset victory over Hillary Clinton, President-Elect Donald Trump told reporters he was “happy” to honor American veterans, but that he prefers “honoring the veterans who were never captured.”

“This is a great day, huge day,” Trump said, “to thank the wonderful people of our armed forces. Provided they weren’t captured, of course.”

Trump, who is the first person elected to the presidency to have both no experience in public office or in the military, told reporters outside his New York City apartment building that “being captured means you weren’t being a winner.” President-Elect Trump said that “winners manage to not get captured” and then used himself as an example.

“Look at me,” Trump said, thrusting his thumbs into his own chest, “I’m a big winner. A bigly winner. I just won the biggest competition you can enter — other than The Apprentice of course — and guess what? I’ve never once been captured in war. So…”

Reporters asked if Mr. Trump felt his disdain for prisoners of war was insulting to all veterans because any one of them could be captured at any time. Trump, sniffing and snorting, shook his head emphatically.

“No, I think our soldiers, sailors, pilots, and everyone in the armed forces gets me,” Trump said, “and they understand that I honor all veterans. But I think they also understand that I like honoring the veterans who were never captured more. It just makes sense, doesn’t it?”

Asked for comment, Senator John McCain (R-AZ), himself a prisoner of war during the Vietnam War, said he was “disappointed” in Trump’s comments but that he “just won another election thanks to Trump’s endorsement” so he was stuck between “a rock and his principles.” McCain also said he looks forward to “plotting meaningless wars with a brainless puppet.” The Arizona Senator told reporters that “as long as the country is at war within six months of Mr. Trump’s inauguration” that “everything will be magically better in America forever and ever.”

Votes are still being counted and as of the time of publication, Trump still trails Hillary Clinton in the raw, popular vote count by roughly 400,000 votes.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This