President-Elect Trump Wants To Annex Baja, California

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — To help pay for the wall that he told voters he plans to build on the Unites States southern border during the election, Donald Trump has decided he will annex Baja, California “as collateral” for the transaction.

“Mr. Trump has been in contact with his most trusted team of confidants,” Trump adviser Tom Anschluss told the media late this week at a press conference, “and they’re all very pleased with this plan to ask Mexico for Baja, California as collateral for the costs involved in building the border wall.”

President-Elect Trump has embarked this week on a “victory tour” and while in Iowa, he told a crowd in attendance of a rally in his honor that the annexation of Baja was “just a little down payment” from the country of Mexico.

“I’m not asking for the whole country of Mexico, yet,” Trump said, “just a little off the bottom there. Our great state of California, that I would have won the popular vote in had I either cared to campaign there or if all those millions of illegals hadn’t voted there — depending on which excuse for getting my ass handed to me I’m using in the moment — is right there already. So why not, just, you know, give us just a little down payment on the wall?”

After the Iowa rally, reporters asked Trump what he’d do if, once sworn-in, Mexico refused to hand over Baja.

“One does not send ultimatums to the America of today,” Trump bellowed back at the press, “May London make note!”

At another rally stop in Indiana, Trump told those in attendance that he wants to help with America’s “restoration” as part of his pitch for annexing Baja. He spoke of a life of struggle not just for himself, but for his “people.” He said that should Mexico balk, he’d push forward because he “never learned” the word surrender.

“My whole life has been nothing but one long struggle for my people, for its restoration, and for America,” Trump howled. He waved his diminutive hands wildly as he continued, “There was only one watchword for that struggle: faith in this people. One word I have never learned: that is, surrender.”

Finishing up his victory for the day in Wisconsin, Trump gave warning to Mexico, or any other country, that gets in the way of his agenda to build the wall and have Mexico pay for it partially be taking Baja from them.

“Whoever, however, thinks he can oppose this national command, whether directly of indirectly, shall fall,” Trump said. Sweating profusely and speaking loudly into the microphone, he pressed on, “We have nothing to do with traitors. We are all faithful to our old principle. It is quite unimportant whether we ourselves live, but it is essential that our people shall live, that America shall live. We shall Make America — our Fatherland — Great Again!”

Mexican officials could not be reached for comment.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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