WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President David Dennison officially ordered an investigation into what he called the “obvious culture of dishonesty, chicanery, and subterfuge” at the FBI and the Department of Justice.
“You all saw my tweet yesterday, so you know I mean bigly business,” Dennison said. “I am just about to sign this royal presidential decree that orders an immediate, full-scale investigation into very obvious culture of dishonesty, chicanery, and subterfuge at the FBI and DOJ.”
Yesterday, Mr. Dennison lashed out on Twitter after a weekend spent sending angry tweets about Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into the Trump campaign’s potential collusion with Russia during the 2016 election, and whether or not Trump or his team have obstructed that investigation in the ensuing months. The tweet, is below.
I hereby demand, and will do so officially tomorrow, that the Department of Justice look into whether or not the FBI/DOJ infiltrated or surveilled the Trump Campaign for Political Purposes – and if any such demands or requests were made by people within the Obama Administration!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 20, 2018
Dennison’s desk phone beeped, and his secretary came on the line.
“Mr. President, I have Stormy Daniels and her attorney, Michael Avenatti, on the line for you,” the presidential secretary said.
President Dennison told her to tell Daniels and Avenatti to call back later.
“These guys obviously have no idea how to be honest with the American people,” Dennison said. “It’s like they just can’t help but lie! I for one am sickened and outraged at all the lying and deceit in my — excuse me, our, for NOW at least, government, I’ve never been around such mendacity and duplicity in my life!”
Just then, Dennison’s secretary poked her head into the room and said there was a visitor to see the president.
“Send them in,” Dennison said. “Now, what was I saying? Oh right! Honesty! I believe in total honesty! You must be open and honest with your subjects — er, constituents. I would never lie, and I would certainly not lie more than 3,000 times in less than a year in office!”
Mr. Dennison grabbed a folder on the desk labeled “My Tax Returns” and put them into a paper shredder just to his right. A moment or two later, Dennison’s secretary ushered a man into the room. It was Senator Ted Cruz.
“Hey Ted! Great to see you,” Dennison greeted the Texas Republican who started to speak before the president cut him off. “Oh, Ted, let me just stop you there and remind you that your dad helped kill JFK. Okay, gotta run now, see ya Ted.”
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Dennison’s secretary ushered Cruz out, but almost immediately came back in with a representative from PolitiFact, a fact checking website. Mr. Dennison scoffed.
“Get that guy out of here! I know I tell the truth way more than the 32% of the time they say I do,” Dennison said. “And that’s being generous and counting half-truths as true instead of half-lies. They’re fake news, get ’em out of here!”
President Dennison returned to the topic of dishonesty at the FBI and DOJ.
“It’s just so disheartening and demoralizing that they’re so full of lies,” Dennison said. “It’s like when I saw thousands of Muslims in New Jersey celebrating on 9/11. Or when I read the reports of 8 trillion illegal Mexicans voting in California! Or when – ”
The secretary opened the door once more and brought former President Barack Obama in with her.
“What’s he doing here?! Get him out of here, I haven’t found his real birth certificate yet, but I have heard from many people it’s out there,” Dennison bellowed. “Now, where was I? Oh, right, how full of shit everyone else is.”
“You know what though? Maybe you should hear it from someone else,” Dennison said. “Let me get my pal John Barron in here, he’ll tell you guys what’s up. You ask John Barron how much I value truthfulness and integrity!”
Dennison ducked under the Resolute Desk and counted to three, then popped back up.
“Hi! I’m John Barron,” Dennison said. “Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior, David Dennison?”