President Biden Apologizes to Neanderthal Americans

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has offered an apology to all Neanderthal Americans.

“I shouldn’t have done it, Jack! I shouldn’t made comparisons to your community, and for that I am deeply and forever sorry,” Biden said in the Oval Office during an executive order signing. “Besides being insensitive to an entire community of people, it’s just scientifically inaccurate, and I believe in being scientifically accurate, Squirt!”

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Biden disclosed that White House advisers dug up research that shows Neanderthals “thought and spoke in much more evolved ways” than Republicans do.

“For instance, you tell a Neanderthal that rising temperatures are threatening life as w know it here on Earth,” Biden explained, “they may not get it. But they won’t tell you that you’re part of a communist cabal trying to sabotage the free market, either.”

President Biden laid out a few more differences between Neanderthals and Republicans that he “wishes he had thought about” prior to making the comment about about “Neanderthal thinking” that got him in hot water to begin with.

“I didn’t see a single Neanderthal at the January 6th insurrection. I bet most Neanderthals accept that I didn’t steal the election from the last guy, either,” Biden admitted. “So in hindsight, I think I made a very bad mistake, and I want to apologize to all Neanderthal Americans for comparing them to absolutely horrible people.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-TX) blasted Biden’s apology.

“Here’s ol’ Woke Yet Sleepy Joe, backing down. Real president’s don’t just insult people,” Cruz said in a tweet. “They double, triple, and quadruple down, and then call your wife ugly. Why hasn’t Joe mentioned how ugly my wife is yet?”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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