Pregnant Russian Woman Unsure Whether Trump Will Let Her Birth Anchor Baby At Mar-A-Lago Now

MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Though her bags are all packed and her birth coach has been reserved and paid for since late this summer, 32 year old Olga Petrova says she’s now not sure if she should cancel her upcoming trip to Florida, during which she had every intention of giving birth to her child at President Donald Trump’s Mar-A-Lago resort.

“Up until last week, I knew that there would be no problem with me dropping my anchor baby at Mar-A-Lago,” Olga told us via Skype. “However, when the orange one said he was going to sign that executive order, my husband and I started thinking we might not be able to get American citizenship for our baby after all.”

Ms. Petrova was referring of course to the decision made by Trump to end the practice of birthright citizenship in the United States. Legal scholars are mostly quite dubious about this move, as it would require the administration to circumvent a constitutional amendment and more than 100 years of established court precedent. While Trump and his team seem committed to the action, some have wondered if the idea was a trial balloon, or perhaps even something floated as a mere distraction, and nothing else.

Birth tourism is a growing industry for Russian women,” Olga told us. “I thought when President Putin helped Trump become president that would mean things would become even easier for us to have our babies in America, thereby anchoring them — and us by proxy — to the U.S. Now I’m not sure, seems like everything is limbo.”

Reached for comment, White House Senior Policy Adviser Stephen Miller told us that Ms. Petrova has nothing to worry about. Miller first confirmed which country Olga is from, and then asked us what her “relative pigmentation” is. Once we told him Olga is as white as she can possibly be, Miller confirmed that she will “have no problems whatsoever” and he said he’d personally oversee the birth of her baby if she wanted.

“This policy will apply universally, except to countries we have carve-outs for,” Miller told us. “As soon as you told me she was white, tight, and right, I knew Olga would be the exact perfect fit for us.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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