Poll Shows 96% of Trump Voters Still Not Sure What’s Outside Their Own Rectum

A new poll released this weekend seems to imply that more than nine out of every ten Americans who voted for Donald Trump in last year’s election are unable to see anything beyond the horizon of their own anus. Put together by We Poll You So Good and Breitbart, the poll shows that a whopping 96% of those surveyed who admitted to voting for Donald Trump in 2016 are still unsure about anything happening in the world outside their own rectum.

“This poll bears out what we’ve presumed about the majority of Trump voters for some time,” Dr. Phillip Hoffman, Chief Poll Scientist at We Poll You So Good, told reporters at a press conference announcing the poll’s results, “which is basically that they had their heads somewhere in their asses.”

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Hoffman said the poll also clears up something that had been hotly contested among political pundits and politicians alike.

“We were all pretty divided as to whether their heads were up their asses or buried in the sand,” Dr.Hoffman said, “and now we think this poll proves pretty conclusively it was the former. Though to be fair, we didn’t ask the question in a way that would let people who had their heads in the sand as well as up their asses answer accordingly. So it could be a case of both, really.”

Some other poll questions produced some results that the American public might find interesting. For instance, 90% of Trump voters may not regret their decision to vote for Trump, but that same group says they also don’t know how to tie their shoes and half of those who said they don’t regret voting for Trump can’t find the state of Utah on a map of the State of Utah.

“Basically,” Hoffman said, “this poll seems to confirm that a large swath of Trump voters don’t care what reality is, don’t care how badly Trump breaks his promises, and don’t care how stupid or insanely ignorant they look. So you know, pretty much what we already knew, minus all the claptrap about white working class voters, who also happened to vote for Hillary Clinton in pretty substantial numbers too.”

Trump was elected last year while losing the popular vote by a historic margin, and barely scraping by with a middling Electoral College vote tally. President Trump responded to this poll by calling it “fake,” which it is, marking it the very first time he has ever called something fake correctly. Cake was had, beautiful chocolate cake, to celebrate this momentous occasion.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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