Poll: 70% Hope Trump Is Next Billionaire in Space As Long As It’s a One-Way Trip

In the span of a week, two of Earth’s billionaire’s have boarded rocket ships and blasted off, out of the planet’s atmosphere, and reached just barely into the final frontier. New polling shows that Americans have a desire to see more billionaires play astronaut, and if it’s a one-way trip, 70% of Americans apparently support former President Donald Trump being the next billionaire to do so.

In a survey of over 1800 Americans, seven out of every ten said that they hope Trump joins Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos in the Billionaire Rocket Boy Club. The survey was run by We Poll You So Hard in collaboration with public radio, and the results are “quite conclusive,” according to We Poll You’s head of media relations.

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“Our survey takers told us that half of the respondents didn’t even let them finish the question,” Robert A. Buoy told reporters as he discussed the poll’s results. “As soon as they figured out what they were going to ask them, they’d cut off our surveyor and almost shout about how much they hoped Trump would be shot into space and left there.”

Mr. Buoy indicated that of the 70% who said they hoped Trump would take a one-way trip to space, 95% are “extremely hopeful” that he’d just simply be strapped to the outside of the rocket ship.

“Judging by these numbers, I’d say there are millions of Americans would would be very glad to see Don Trump strapped to a rocket and blasted off this rock,” Buoy said. “For a guy who can’t seem to actually win a popular vote, he definitely got the majority’s support for taking a one-way trip to space.”

The polling shows that there are other trips Americans would like to see Trump take.

“A full 65% of respondents said if he didn’t go to space, that they hope Trump goes and fucks himself,” Buoy explained. “So it seems that Americans in general are quite keen on Donald Trump taking a long trip he never comes back from.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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