KENOSHA, WISCONSIN — A newly released poll may spell bad news for two 2016 Republican presidential hopefuls. According to a new analysis of several public opinion polls conducted in cooperation with Polling You So Deep — a non-partisan polling and data analysis company out of Kenosha, Wisconsin — and The Political Garbage Chute shows that Senators Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Rand Paul (R-KY) have already dropped out of the election, but have not been made aware of that fact yet.
Taking data from polls available on sites such as Real Clear Politics, Huffington Post and Red Tube, the data scientists at Polling You So Deep have come up with a model that shows conclusively that Cruz and Paul’s polling numbers are so low, they might as well not be running at all. While they used sophisticated algorithms to confirm their hypotheses, Dr. William Miller, the head researcher at PYSD said that “to the naked, untrained eye you can see that these two probably wouldn’t be the first choice of their parents, let alone voters.”
“Senators Cruz and Paul are both polling in the low, single digits,” Miller told The Political Garbage Chute, “statistically that means if you were to ask a hundred Republicans who they wanted to vote for next year, 95 to 97 of them would choose someone else other than Ted Cruz or Rand Paul.” According to Miller, even in early stages of presidential elections, “it’s almost impossible to think of a candidate starting with less than 8 percent and becoming the nominee, and most candidates aren’t batshit, religiously crazy people like Cruz, or tin foil hat wearing, discrimination apologists like Rand Paul, so you can imagine how high a mountain those dudes have to climb right now.”
Reached for comment, State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen, who has been campaigning with Senator Paul in New Hampshire told The Political Garbage Chute that while the polling “numbers are bad and it doesn’t look good for the Senator’s chances” that “if anyone thinks winning a presidential election is what running a presidential campaign is about, then you’ve never cashed a fat check from Sheldon Adelson, yo.” Thompaulsen added that “Senator Paul is committed to running for president and taking as many Super PAC checks as he needs to over the rest of his natural life, you know, to prove that he doesn’t like government.”
“Senator Cruz has always said that his presidential campaign, much like his Senatorial campaigns, have always been about Senator Cruz,” was how Gary Lindstrom — Cruz’s Deputy Assistant Junior Campaign Chief told our reporter. Lindstrom said that Cruz “is fine with not winning the primary because it still gets his name out there” and “that lets him masturbate much more cleanly and effectively since nothing gets him harder than hearing his own name or reading it in print.” Lindstrom confirmed that masturbation “is very high on Senator Cruz’s list” because “let’s face it, who in their right mind would fuck this guy?”
Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus told reporters who caught up with him outside a Pizza Hut that he “would encourage both Senators Paul and Cruz to stay in the race as long as those donor checks are coming” and that “as long as they remember to cut off a piece for the party” he’s “totally cool with them wasting their taxpayer-funded salaries raising more money they don’t need.