POLL: Most Sanders Fans Want ‘Right Combination of Finger Wagging and Insults’ to Switch to Hillary

The published results of a new joint poll conducted by CNN and Hard Polling for Hard Times show that the majority of Bernie Sanders supporters are willing to “fall in line behind whomever the Democratic Party nominates” but only after they are convinced in a very specific way.

According to the poll results, a full 65% of Bernie Sanders supporters are waiting for the “Right combination of finger wagging and insults” to switch their vote to Hillary and encourage Sanders to drop out.

Q: What would it take for you switch your support from Bernie Sanders to Hillary Clinton, at this point in the primary process?

“Nothing. My mind is set.” 32%
“The right combination of finger wagging and insults.” 65%
“How did you get my number?!” 1%

(Margin of error: 2%)

Those who responded that they were waiting for the right mixture of condescension and insults were then asked what kinds of insults were most effective in swaying their judgment back toward Hillary Clinton.

Q: What kinds of insults most convince you that you are respected and will be listened to, while also berating you for supporting your candidate of choice?

“Green Tea Bagger” 22%
“Naive” 12%
“Paid Karl Rove Republican Troll” 35%
“Bernie Bro” 20%
“Fart Knocker McGee” 9%

(Margin of error: 2%)

Respondents were asked why Bernie Sanders should immediately drop out of the primary, for the good of the land.

Q. Why do YOU think Bernie Sanders should immediately drop out of the primary, for the good of the land?

“Umm, I dont?” 45%
“Because only Clinton supporters are pragmatic and politically savvy.” 35%
“ZOMG! TRUMP!!!” 10%
“Rah-rah! Gooooooo Democrats, yay!” 8%

(Margin of error: 2%)

Poll participants were also asked who should be blamed if Hillary Clinton goes on to win the nomination, but loses to Donald Trump in the General Election.

Q: Whose fault will it be if Hillary wins the nomination, but loses to Donald Trump in the General Election?

“Ralph Nader. It’s always Ralph Nader’s fault. Especially if the Democrat doesn’t win their home state.” 15%
“Bernie or Bust.” Because Hillary is super-popular and electable and she and her supporters don’t need us for the primaries and can insult and hand-wring us to death but in the General, it’s all about “Unite Blue” and other such meaningless platitudes.” 15%
“The Democratic National Committee. They should have seen that this was a populist election, and that running a candidate who is synonymous with entrenched political power was not wise and turned-off a bunch of independents that they pretended to not care about during the primaries.” 60%
“Taco Bell.” 5%
“The Freemasons.” 3%

(Margin of error: 2%)

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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