POLL: Fucking Seriously?, No, Hillary. Don’t.

A new poll of just about everyone everywhere shows a striking result: Fucking seriously, no, Hillary. Don’t.

It would appear that, at least according to a new survey conducted by We Poll You So Hard, most people don’t want former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to enter the 2020 presidential race. It would be Clinton’s third attempt at the presidency and the second against President Donald Trump. Mr. Trump narrowly defeated Clinton in 2016, threading the Electoral College needle and garnering just enough votes in some key swing states to push him over the threshold needed to win.

POLL: Literally Fucking Nobody Wants This Douchebag To Run For President Right Now

Recently, Ms. Clinton said that “many, many, many people” have been contacting her, urging her to run. According to the results of WPYSH’s snap poll, virtually no one wants Ms. Clinton to listen to those “many, many, many people.” An astounding 99.9% of respondents said that Hillary Clinton “should under no circumstances” run for president again. What makes these results so noteworthy is that they seem to be bipartisan.

“Democrats, Republicans, independents, pretty much anyone with a pulse, all of them overwhelmingly said ‘Fuck no’ to a third Hillary campaign,” Cheryl Terwilliger Jones, CEO of WPYSH told us via Skype this morning. “We also were unable to find anyone who is, or who knows, one of the many, many, many people Ms. Clinton was referring to. Not that it means they don’t exist, but since we didn’t call anyone in the Clinton household or at the Clinton Foundation, it’s hard to ascertain just who these many, many, many people are.”

Perhaps surprisingly, a lot of respondents had positive things to say about Ms. Clinton, and whether or not she would have been a good president. Many who were surveyed even conceded that in any other country without the Electoral College she would be president, and probably should have been. But even some of the people who voted for Clinton last time around, when surveyed, said they’d rather she “just fucking not, okay?”

“A lot of people told us that they voted for her last time around, but just do not want her running this time regardless,” Terwilliger Jones informed us. “It appears most people feel like, in this case anyway, two strikes and you’re out.”

The results are more about the country wanting “fresh blood” and “new leadership” than it is about the skillset or leadership of Clinton herself, Terwilliger Jones explained. Most respondents told WPYSH that they have no doubt she would have been a better president than Trump has been, but that doesn’t mean she should run again.

“A lot of people told us they thought she would have gotten the message in 2008 when Barack Obama came out of nowhere to beat her in the Democratic Primaries,” Terwilliger Jones said, “but that sometimes you just don’t get what you want in life, no matter how much you want it.”

Terwilliger Jones says that most people who answered the survey thought that even though Clinton would have been an okay president, they worry about what her running again says about progressive politics in America.

“Can we really only get one candidate’s name in the hat every time? That’s what people kept saying to us over and over again,” Terwilliger Jones said. “They expressed a real need for the progressive wing of American politics to get new ideas and new people into the fray.”

Whether or not Ms. Clinton sees the results of the poll and does anything about them is anyone’s guess. However, she did tell an interviewer from Entitled Monthly recently that she had thought of a few new campaign slogans for 2020 “just in case.”

“I’ve always thought, ‘No Really, This Time It’s HER TURN’ would have been good,” Clinton said in the interview. “Then again, ‘I Fucking Told You Dipshits I Was Right’ also has a nice ring to it. So we’ll see. I probably won’t need any of them. But you know…you just never can tell with these things. Maybe the third time’s the charm. Maybe it’ll be the fourth, fifth, or twelfth time that’s the charm. We’ll play it by ear and then ask the DNC to elbow aside anyone in my way, if and when the time comes.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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