PolitiFact Creates New “Utter And Complete Horse S__t” Category After Trump/Clinton Debate

TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA — Fact checking website PolitiFact has decided that “Pants on Fire” is not strong enough anymore. Instead, Politifact Chief Fact Checker Susan Williamson announced this morning that they would be creating a new classification, and that the first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald J. Trump was the impetus.

“What we finally have come to realize, thanks to the debate,” Williamson told reporter at a press conference held at Politifact’s Florida headquarters, “is that Pants on Fire just doesn’t cut it. At this point, Trump probably poops flames his pants have been alight so often.”

Ms. Williamson said that Politifact’s executives realized that “most normal people would be ashamed” to have their statements be called “Pants on Fire” lies, but Trump posed a tough dilemma for them.

“How do you shame someone that clearly has no shame,” Williamson asked. She pointed to his debate performance in which he tried to deny the public, broadcast record of his support of the Iraq War as clear evidence that “truth is meaningless to someone like Trump” and that a new classification was necessary.

“This man said his financial statements were just as illustrative of his taxes as an actual tax return would be,” Williamson said, her tone awash in aghast amazement, “and he outright said that he never thought climate change was a Chinese hoax, when we all can search his Twitter timeline and find the tweets ourselves. We needed a bigger, bolder categorization of mendacity for Mr. Trump.”

Williamson held up a picture of the tweet below to illustrate what she meant.

“Starting immediately, Politifact will rate claims from ‘True’ to ‘Utter and Complete Horse Shit,'” Williamson announced, “but the Pants on Fire rating will still remain. It’s just that going forward, if you go past Pants on Fire into Trumpian levels of lying, you’ll get hit with the Utter and Complete Horse Shit tag.”

Trump himself addressed the new classification at a press conference early this morning, in front of his Trump Tower apartment building.

“You know what I think,” Trump asked reporters, “I think it’s great. Nobody else in the history of politics has had a whole new category of lie created for their words. That’s what winners do. They get inside your head, and always end up on the tip of your tongue. Now from here on out, everyone will know I don’t just lie. I tell the best lies. I lie like the champion bullshit artist my supporters know me as.”

Mr. Trump beamed as he jerked his thumb toward a monitor that showed PolitiFact’s new rating with his face next to it.

“My face really drives it home, doesn’t it,” Trump asked.

The Clinton campaign declined to comment on this story.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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