Dear Santa,

It might seem funny to you that a woman my age would still believe in your existence, but if that’s the case you haven’t been paying attention to half of the stuff coming out of my mouth in my time on the national political scene. Of course the same person who proclaimed to everyone watching the 2012 Republican primaries that she knew someone personally who had a child develop mental retardation after getting the HPV vaccine would have no problem believing in a magical man who manages to get around the entire world in one night, delivering toys to every good little boy and girl. Of course the person who started an international incident with her idiotic anti-Islamic conspiracy theories about and aide to former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would have no problem with the story of your existence! Believing in made-up stuff is just what I do as a matter of course.

Santa, I’m writing you to today, not to ask for anything for myself, though if you do grant me this request I’d consider it to be a gift in a way. What I’d like you to do is to consider the criteria for which you consider a child for either the Naughty or the Nice List. I’ve been going over your records, Santa, and it appears that you’ve really been far too lenient on children of people who do not fit the right “mold” for what we — my darling Marcus and I — consider to be Real Americans. For instance, I see last year that you had no problem giving gifts to children of atheist parents. Now, I ask you Santa, what would Jesus think about that? Was it not written somewhere in the Bible that only people who believe in God deserve presents around the 25th of December? My staff is checking into that, but as you know, I have no problem spewing nonsense as long as I sound like I believe it, so let’s just say that’s all true, shall we?

Now, getting further into the religion thing, I also think you should consider whether just believing in any God is good enough. Shouldn’t we be encouraging the right, Traditional American Values by making it clear that those who belong to a Christian church of some kind really are at least just slightly more deserving of nice things? Also, while we’re at it, I’d like you to really think about only giving presents to children whose parents belong to a Protestant church of some kind. I mean, this is America, Santa, and we’re a Christian nation. Our Constitution was originally written in the “Notes” section of a King James Bible. Again, I’m not 100% sure about that fact, but I’m just going to run with it, because fact checkers are all Godless liberals anyway, so you can’t trust anything they say.

Oh, you know, speaking of liberals. I think — at least while you’re delivering presents in America — that you should only give a lump of clean coal, or maybe a quart of deep sea drilled oil to kids of liberal parents. I mean, if their parents are going to keep waging their War on Christmas, shouldn’t there be some civilian collateral damage in the form of their children being denied presents? I think so, and I’m sure you agree.

Also, while we’re talking about who else should not get presents, I think at the very least we should require all children of parents who receive social welfare assistance to submit to a urine test for drug screening. Sure, the chances of a six-year-old being a meth addict are slim, but what good does having power in society if you can’t use it to make an embarrassing example out of someone? Was it not Jesus who said the same thing at the Sermon on the Mount? Again, it might not have been but I feel I must just say things as they leave my brain fluff, so we’ll just go with it.

Okay, that’s it for me for now Santa. I hope you’ve had a wonderful year and that you give some considerations to the proposals I’ve brought to you in this letter. We can do so much more good for the world if we punish those who have less, don’t you think?

Sincerely,

Rep. Michele Bachmann

P.S. Marcus wanted me to ask if you could send him more of the same you brought him last year — a dozen new double-ended dildos and a yearlong subscription to the website menwithbeards.com. I have no idea what either are for since he doesn’t use the dildos on me and he shaves all his body hair meticulously, but well, ’tis the season Santa!