Planned Parenthood Announces New Partnership With ICE

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Planned Parenthood has announced a new partnership with Immigration and Customs Enforcement that they say will allow them to perform a lot more abortions each year.

“As we were watching news reports of ICE agents ripping babies from their mothers, it hit us like a ton of bricks,” Planned Parenthood regional spokesperson Helen Whiffleston told reporters this morning. “We could really use people like that on our team, and when we realized how much religious and social conservatives worship and adore ICE agents, well, we figured that could be a pretty big boon to us, PR-wise anyway.”

ICE agents will need minimal training to work for Planned Parenthood, Whiffleston suggested, which is a big reason why the partnership was even considered.

“For the longest time we thought the whole notion of separating a mother from her offspring was a total non-starter but apparently there are loopholes in their morality,” Whiffleston said. “Though, we understand that there will be certain natural limitations on the work these agents will be able to do.”

Ms. Whiffleston says that ICE agents will only be performing a certain small percentage of the abortions that Planned Parenthood performs during a year, due to the tenuous nature of the deal.

“In order to keep those social conservatives from getting too upset about this, we’re only going to have ICE agents perform abortions on Hispanic and Latinx babies,” Whiffleston said. “That way, it’ll still feel just xenophobic and/or racist enough to keep Republicans from catching wind.”

The Trump administration agreed to this plan, Whiffleston says, in part because Planned Parenthood made guarantees to the White House that very little would change, in the long run.

“Sure, they’ll have to explain to their base why they’re suddenly okay with abortion,” Whiffleston admits, “but since it’s just Hispanic babies that won’t be born, we think they’ll be able to explain this as either extreme vetting or immigration reform; either way it’s a win for them and we manage to preserve a woman’s constitutional right to control her own genitals. What a time to be alive and feel completely dead inside, huh?

There’s one more reason that conservatives should be okay with this development, Whiffleston said.

“It’s not like they have to start caring about the Hispanic babies that are already born now, so literally nothing changes on their end,” Whiffleston believes. “They can be just as afraid of brown people as ever before.”

The first ICE agents will report for Planned Parenthood training this fall.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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