LAKE OF FIRE IN HELL, ETERNITY — Upon hearing of 92-year-old conservative anti-feminist Phyllis Shlafly’s death, Bob “Satan” Beelzebub, CEO of one of the universe’s largest afterlife resorts, attempted to keep Schlafly out by turning on its “No Vacancy” sign.
“They say only the good die young,” Satan told his friends, “and Phyllis was 92. Even Trump fans can do that math.”
Beelzebub was giving his regular press briefing for the upcoming month of September when he relayed to reporters his feelings about having to house Schlafly for “all of eternity.” Satan said that it was “bad enough [he has] to keep Dick Nixon and Ronnie Reagan” at his resort, and that while Schlafly “certainly won’t be the first or last socially conservative Republican to confusedly find themselves spending forever and ever in Hell,” he still feels obligated to spare his other guests the “trauma of being exposed to Ms. Schlafly’s particularly gross brand of gender treachery.”
So he attempted to turn the “No Vacancy” light on outside Hell’s main gates, but Schlafly had been waiting there with a puzzled look on her face since she expired back on Earth. She asked Satan where she was, and when he told her, she didn’t believe him at first, and Satan told Schlafly he “really wished [he] was kidding” because in no way was he looking forward to housing her for all eternity.
“This was a woman who didn’t think other women should be paid the same amount for the same work.” Satan said, “so regardless of her political views, she’s clearly a shortsighted idiot. And that’s to say nothing of the fact that she was a female who thought females should sign over their sexual autonomy to the government, even after they’d been raped.”
Satan then gave reporters a couple of quotes from Schlafly that reinforced his view that “she’s too vile and evil for Hell.”
“Did you know she once said that married women couldn’t possibly be victims of rape,” Satan asked rhetorically, “I’ve got the quote right here on this 6x6x6 note card, ‘By getting married, the woman has consented to sex, and I don’t think you can call it rape.'”
According to Mr. Beelzebub he reached out to Larry “God” Schumway — who is a competitor of Satan’s in the afterlife spa and hotel industry — and asked if he’d be willing to take Schlafly in exchange for someone God didn’t want in Heaven. After a lot of discussion, Satan said God balked.
“Sorry Bobby,” Satan told reporters Schumway said to him, “but that kooky lady said, and I quote, ‘The atomic bomb is a marvelous gift that was given to our country by a wise God.’ Well, I may not be a wise god, but I do not want any dummy who thinks I’m pro-nuke in here.”
Ultimately, Satan said he agreed to take Schlafly in, but only on one condition.
“She has to wear a muzzle, so no one has to hear her speak,” Satan said, “and the kind of woman that Phyllis is, she should have no problem taking that order from me, a male. Right?”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.