Doctors Unsure How Peter Strzok Got His Foot So Far Up Trey Gowdy’s Sphincter

WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a marathon, all-day hearing of the House Oversight and Judiciary Committees, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) and embattled FBI Agent Peter Strzok had several heated exchanges, but one in particular has gone viral and doctors are confirming at this hour that they’re still unable to get Strzok’s foot out of Gowdy’s rectum.

“You’ve seen the tape, you can see how thoroughly and completely Mr. Strzok wedged his foot up Gowdy’s butt hole,” Dr. Skip Skapply told reporters this morning. “I mean, I’m a totally real doctor, with a totally legit medical degree from a medical school that absolutely exists, but even an untrained moron could see that Strzok handed Gowdy’s ass to him but not after he jammed his FBI shoes deep inside there.”

The exchange referenced by Dr. Skapply came after Republicans and Democrats had already battled back and forth over procedure and rules when the committee’s chair, Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-Not Good At His Job) immediately threatened Strzok with contempt of Congress for not answering questions, before any questions had been asked. Mr. Strzok repeatedly told congressional representatives that he couldn’t answer questions about ongoing criminal investigations, flustering Republicans. At many points during the hearing, Republicans battered Strzok for sending text messages to another FBI agent, Lisa Page, who he was carrying on an extramarital affair with.

Some Republicans didn’t seem to mind bringing up Strzok’s affair as an attack on his character, but Dr. Skapply says that kind of behavior likely only exacerbated the tension with Gowdy, and medically speaking might be why Strzok’s foot is still lodged deeply in the South Carolinian’s colon.

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“Everyone knows that hypocrisy makes a butt hole extra willing to accept things,” Dr. Skapply said. “That’s like, first year med school stuff. So for Republicans to be bashing Strzok for cheating on his wife while they hold a hearing to destroy a criminal investigation into their serial womanizer of a president? That’s hypocrisy that cuts so deep, no wonder Gowdy’s anus opened up so wide for Strzok’s foot.”

At the time of publication, while Strzok’s foot is still up his ass, Mr. Gowdy says he has a plan to “fix everything.”

“I’m just a simple country conspiracy theorist, so what do I know, but I plan to fix this the way I fix everything — shouting ‘Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi!’ at the top of my lungs while conservatives praise me for my keen intellect,” Gowdy told reporters.

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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