VP Mike Pence Wants Law Making It Illegal to Get an Erection Before Praying First

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice-President Mike Pence was in the headlines last week when it was revealed that his Christian faith makes him adverse to dining alone with any woman other than his wife. Critics say this means that Pence must have an aversion to putting women in high enough positions of authority that would warrant or necessitate one-on-one, private meetings or even business dinners. Pence and his defenders have said that his views come out of an abundance of respect for his wife, and wanting to avoid rumors and innuendo.

Today, at a prayer breakfast in the Nation’s capital, Pence’s faith came to the fore again, this time when he was telling attendees about a new law he wants to ask Co-President Donald Trump to push Congressional Republicans to adopt.

“Those of us who are good, clean, ammo-hoarding, American Christian God-fearing patriots understand just how dangerous erections can be,” Pence explained to the fifty or so religious conservatives at the prayer breakfast, “because while every turgid pants tent can bring about a new, beautiful baby which we must protect from the point of conception right up to the point of expulsion from the lady zone and not a moment afterward, every erection is a potential abortion.”

Pence explained that his new law would force every American male to say a prayer to a “God from an approved Judeo-Christian faith.” The law doesn’t stop at praying before getting erections, though, if the male in question voted for a Democrat in the last six presidential elections, Pence said.

“If you have voted for Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, or Bill Clinton,” Pence said, “you will have to submit, in writing, the purpose behind your proposed erection. I want pictures. I want detailed, graphic pictures of the penis in question. I want pictures from all angles, and I want to see pictures in all major stages of erection — pre, during, and post. Why do I want these pictures, you might ask? Reasons. My own, personal, totally heterosexual reasons.”

Asked for comment, Co-President Trump said he is “generally on board” with Pence’s proposal. However, he said he as some “very personal, very familiar reasons” to be cautious as well. Trump expressed those concerns to the alt-right media outlets in the room at the time.

“I mean, does this cover every boner in the country,” Trump said, “even co-presidential ones? Because I think executive privilege would extend to my pants region. Also, what about boners one might or might not get while thinking or not thinking about their daughter named or not named Ivanka naked or not naked? Asking that one for a comrade.”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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